Seeking My Zen Garden

Angels in Our Midst

2012-01-02T19:32:00.000-08:00

"People come into our life disguised as angels, and sometimes angels come into our life disguised as people."

Sometimes it gets so hard. The past three years seem like a blur. Austin, Texas presenting at the NISOD conference. Going out with friends. Severe pain, nausea. Trying to get an earlier flight home to no avail. The long flight home. Immediately going to the ER. "You have a large pelvic mass, you need to see your GYN right away." Calling Beni, "do you need me to come home?" "No, I'm not worried." Seeing the GYN. "This isn't anything to dick around with." Seeing the GYN oncologist/surgeon. Scheduling surgery. Being blissfully ignorant that this really could be anything serious. Waking up in incruciating pain. Hearing the words, "ovarian cancer." Starting chemo, every three weeks for 6 months. 98% survival rate. No fears. Truly understanding nausea, bone pain. Finishing the treatment. Being blissfully ignorant of the recurrence rate of ovarian cancer. Feeling back to normal after a year. Climbing hills looking for the perfect Christmas tree. Excruciating pain. Non-stop vomiting. Waiting in the ER for hours. Non-stop vomiting. Being admitted. Non-stop vomiting. CT scans with contrast. "Nothing." Non-stop vomiting. IVs and bursting veins. "It's probably the gall bladder." Gall bladder surgery. Being discharged. Non-stop vomiting. Ambulance ride to ER. Being admitted. Non-stop vomiting. Wondering if I am dieing. Three weeks in hospital, no food, no drinks, just IV. Non-stop vomiting. Certain I'm dieing. Convincing the doctors that something is wrong. DUH! Convincing the doctors to do exploratory surgery on Christmas Eve. "Blockage. Tumor. Intestinal resection." Doctor indicates dismal outcome. Wound infection. Collapsed lung. Watching New Years fireworks from hospital window. Discharge from hospital after almost a month. Recovery. Contacting Mayo Clinic. Setting up appointment. Meeting with new doctors. A week of tests. Scheduling aggressive second debulking and abdominal port. Surgery. More time in hospital. More cancer on kidney and in intestines. IV/IP chemo every 3 weeks for 6 months. Abdominal port removed. December CT scan. "Cancer returned, no cure." Chance of 5 year survival 4%. No longer blissfully ignorant. Sign up for clinical trial in Phoenix. Check with local oncologist for a "plan B." Clinical trial canceled. Plan B. Four months of chemo every other week. Ongoing pain in side. CT scan. "Liver mets increased." Change chemo--weekly for 6 months. CT scan. "Liver mets decreased." Continue chemo same dose every other week. Christmas at home with family. Another New Year. Hopeful no longer in my vocabulary. Nausea is normal. Not having hair-normal. Working and sleeping. Waking up in a panic not able to breathe is normal. Wondering if this is the year.

Somewhere in the blur some new friends find their way into my world. Only a handful of old friends care to deal with chemo girl. I have learned little things mean more. Phone calls, emails, cards. Some how always when needed most. I know they haven't a clue that I've had a bad night, or read more grim statistics, felt a new pain. Somehow the right words or image that lets me breathe in and out once more.

I tried to think of some New Year resolutions. Eat better? Try not to go to bed before 6pm? Remember my vitamins? I don't know, seems like it should be something bigger.

I will appreciate more. The sunny days, trees, flowers, family and those friends who somehow found their way to my world. The friends who stayed old and new. My angels. I will remember to thank God for angels.

I Promise Myself...

2011-06-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk wellness, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of troubles enter my mind.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on my side so long as I am true to the best that is in me.
To live an appreciative life, to recognize my blessings and be grateful for each.
To live each day with grace.

My Cup Runneth Over

2011-05-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful day. What a wonderful weekend. Spent time with my girls, my grandkids, talked to my son, had friends up today, had snow and rain yesterday followed by the most beautiful sunny day today.

Tomorrow I get the results of the CT scan. Tomorrow I find out if the spots on my liver are still there or not, if they have grown or not, if there are more spots or not, why my side has hurt for the last three weeks. I should be anxious, scared. But I'm not. Perhaps I have been in denial since May 2008. The statistics would scare the hell out of anyone and yes, there are many times I let fear enter my mind. But it is not fear that consumes my thoughts. Anger is a common emotion. Angry that this insidious disease most likely will take away years of my life that I should have had to spend with my husband, my kids and my grandkids. It does make me angry. But being angry is not a good way to live.

It is neither fear nor anger that fills my heart and soul. I try to fill my heart and soul with love, joy and happiness, even with the worse news and during some of my darkest nights. I cannot help to feel so blessed. The world is a beautiful place. And for this day, this moment I am here! I try to notice its beauty each and every day. I am thankful for the small moment of time I get to have on this earth. I feel so blessed to be a mom, a wife, a grandmama, a sister. Tomorrow is unknown, but for today there is sunshine in my soul. My cup runneth over.

Aloha!

2011-03-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

I am currently in Maui for a few weeks. Beni is working and I am just hanging out. Everywhere I go I hear Aloha. Of course I know it means "hello" but I hear it constantly and not just as a greeting so I decided to look up the definition of the word. Here is what I found:

What Does Aloha Mean?
Aloha is the most Hawaiian word. In the Hawaiian language, it can mean hello or goodbye. It also means love and affection. The word aloha is used in a combination with other words, such as aloha kakahiaka, which means good morning; aloha auinala used as a greeting that means good afternoon; and aloha ahiahi is how you can wish good evening in Hawaiian. Because of aloha’s unique meaning and popularity, Hawaii is called the Aloha State.
Aloha is a Hawaiian symbol. Its meaning goes beyond any definition you can find about it in the dictionaries. In Hawaii, you hear aloha all the time and you are treated with aloha everywhere.

The Spirit of Aloha

The literal meaning of aloha is “the presence of breath” or “the breath of life.” It comes from “Alo,” meaning presence, front and face, and “ha,” meaning breath. Aloha is a way of living and treating each other with love and respect. Its deep meaning starts by teaching ourselves to love our own beings first and afterwards to spread the love to others.

According to the old kahunas (priests), being able to live the Spirit of Aloha was a way of reaching self-perfection and realization for our own body and soul. Aloha is sending and receiving a positive energy. Aloha is living in harmony. When you live the Spirit of Aloha, you create positive feelings and thoughts, which are never gone. They exist in space, multiply and spread over to others.

I love that last part. Aloha everyone. Aloha!

For Ryan, Krista, Dawnie and Annie

2011-03-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a great deal lately about what message, lessons I would like to leave for my kids. Oh, there is so much I want to tell them, so much I want them to know, the very least of which is how much they are loved and how very, very proud I am of each of them. But for today I would like to give them a simple message from one of my favorite songs. It is ironic that it is a song I remember playing every morning when I left the hospital after spending the night with my mom, the week she was hospitalized after her surgery for colon cancer. It gave me hope. Now, I listen to it with a different sense of hope. Hope that my kids will take to heart it's positive message on what I want for each of them. The music is in the video...if the video stops working as sometimes happens just google Rod Stewart Forever Young. I will make one change to the lyrics below changing "when you finally fly away" to "when I finally fly away." Love you all.

May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
with a prince or a vagabond

And may you never love in vain
and in my heart you will remain
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young
Forever Young

And when I finally fly away
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you, win or lose
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young ,Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
For, Forever Young, Forever Young

So my dear, dear children, be courageous and be brave, and I hope in your hearts I'll always remain: Forever Young.

"Advanced Stage Ovarian Cancer" I don't want to be in this boat!

2011-03-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

I'm in a sinking boat...feels like it's heading for the water fall, sinking fast and no paddle. What the hell! I want to jump out and swim for shore! My doctor in December said (hear is what I heard) "Spread, no cure, non-operable, platinum-resistant, try and maintain quality of life, only chance clinical trial.." So, I signed up for the trial...after 5 weeks of waiting and the day before I was supposed to start, it was canceled. My oncologist in town did another ct scan...it had now spread to liver and lymph nodes. I am now starting on the 3rd chemo regimen, I have had a total of 14 rounds, I have lost my hair, had it start to grow back and then start the process all over. I am hoping to keep hair this time around, would like to remember what I used to look like!

Stage 4 ovarian cancer is not curable. I am a realist. But I am also an optimist. I can't believe I will lose this fight, even though the statistics say otherwise. Below are the facts. I have a challenge, the biggest challenge of my life...for my life. I will fight this with everything I have. I still believe I can win, I always think I will win. At night in the dark, the doubt creeps in. Thank heaven for the morning when the sun is still in the sky and shining above me.

Stage IV Ovarian Cancer

Stage IV (any T, any N, M1) is the most advanced stage of ovarian cancer. In this stage the cancer has spread to the inside of the liver, the lungs or other organs located outside of the peritoneal cavity. The peritoneal cavity, or abdominal cavity is the area enclosed by the peritoneum, a membrane that lines the inner abdomen and covers most of its organs. Finding ovarian cancer cells in the fluid around the lungs (called pleural fluid) is also evidence of stage IV disease.

5-Year Survival Rate

Life expectancy rates are determined in cancer by looking at the 5-year survival rate of patients diagnosed with a certain stage of cancer. The type of cancer and the stage determine the survival rates and life expectancy. Five-year survival rates, for ovarian cancers and other cancers, account for factors like unrelated causes of death, when providing the statistics on 5-year survival. Generally, if patients live for the 5 years after diagnosis, mortality rates caused by the cancer fall dramatically.

For stage IV ovarian cancer, the 5-year survival rate is 17.5%.

Life Expectancy

According to a study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, the median life expectancy for patients with late stage ovarian cancer is 2.95 years. The study is based on the projected 5-year survival rates and a mean survival rate of 1.97 years in patients aged 54 who were diagnosed with Stage IV ovarian cancer. Patients diagnosed with Stage I, II or III whose disease progressed to Stage IV had an additional 1 year added on to the median life expectancy because the progression from Stage I to Stage IV was assumed to take, on average, 1 year.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T22:12:00.000-08:00

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost. Count your many blessings name them one by one....

Thanksgiving dinner is over. Leftovers put away, all the pots and pans washed and dried. I'm back home, in bed, tired from the busy day, but so happy to be able to have had the opportunity to cook the dinner with my daughter's. Show them how I do the turkey in a bag. Explain how to make REALLY good dressing. Share the secret of my sweet potatoes. Thankful to have had this day.

In the quiet solitude I wonder if I'll be around next year. If not, will they remember the lessons today? I start to drift off to the dark place of gloomy cancer thoughts. And then I shake away the darkness and fill my mind with those blessings I am so thankful for on this day.

Wonderful loving parents. Four beautiful, smart, responsible, loving kids. My grandkid's smiles when they see me. Laughter. Footprints in the snow. Cushy and warm socks. Hugs. Memories of wonderful camping trips spent with family. Playing guitars with my daughters, cousins, friends...making music. Tennis, running after the balls and making a winning shot. Molly, my cat. My sisters and brother. Cloudy days. Sunny days. Sledding with my grandson. Driving with my husband and listening to Garrison or Click and Clack. Trips to Europe. Train rides with spectacular views. Pizza. Mexican food. Doctors and nurses who show they care. Full moons and starry nights. Down pillows. Hot baths. Holding hands with my husband, grandkids or kids. Kisses that get sloppy. Friends who understand that many days are difficult. Friends who weren't scared away by cancer. Online friends I have never met. The fresh clean smell after a summer rain. Finches on the feeder. Flowers, especially wildflowers. Vibrant colors. Hostels. Road trips. The perfection of imperfection in art, nature. Cards. Christmas lights. A husband who is my best friend.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Doesn't Get Better Than This!

2010-11-10T21:05:00.000-08:00

I know there are a ton of blogging mom's commiserating with each other over the trials and tribulations of motherhood, dirty diapers, toys everywhere, laundry that never gets done, etc., etc., etc. I'm sure it's out there, but I haven't seen much from the Grandma's point of view. I'm now wondering, after reading my kindred spirit of a cousin's blog, about the special moments of Grandma-hood and why I haven't touched more on those many magical moments. Yes, being a grandma, it's a beautiful and wonderful thing!

I just returned home from a babysitting gig with two of my daughter's three beautiful, bright and bouncing off the wall kids. What a blast to give them dinner (prepared by mom before she left) play games, chase them around the house while they squealed with laughter, easily tricking them into picking up their toys, playing hide and seek, getting them ready for bed and remembering that truly wonderful smell of baby lotion and then at the end of my time with them having them run and give me a big hug and kiss when it was time for 'Grandmama' to leave. And how much fun it is to leave and hear them crying and screaming that they don't want to go to bed and know I'm not the one who has to deal with it this time around! Spoiling grandkids must be the reward for raising your own kids into productive, responsible adults. Grandkids are God's way of saying, "You managed to raise your own kids without too much damage, so now I give you grandkids who will love you unconditionally, who you spoil without worry and who you can turn back over to parents whenever they become too difficult."

Truly, it really doesn't get much better than this! Unfortunately, only grandma's can really understand this whole magical thing of being a grandparent...okay, maybe some grandpa's!

Starting Down the Hill

2010-07-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

Today I started round five of chemo. IV Taxol-day one. IP Cisplatin-day two. Hydration and injection-day three and four. Hydration-day five. Weekend free unless counts go down and go to ER for hydration. IP Taxol-day 8. Hydration days-9 & 10. Nausea, vomiting, neuropathy in feet, and is starting in fingers. Muscle aches, back pain. The day and the life of an Ovarian Cancer patient with recurrent OVCA--advanced stage. This after a successful stage one surgery and 95% cure rate. It wasn't supposed to come back. It did. So. Radical chemo after a controversial second debulking surgery. I'm bald. Again. I'm weak and fatigued. Again. My tennis game sucks when I have energy to play. Again.

But I'm still here, with one more round to go in August. I do not have a cancer marker to adequately determine if the treatment is working or to indicate if the cancer returns. I will have to rely on periodical CT scans and symptoms. Not optimum. But I'm still here. I'm over the top of the hill, heading for the finish line with regards to the Chemo treatment. One that most people can't tolerate the entire treatment. I know it's my best shot and I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to dwell on those things out of my control. I'm only going to concentrate on the fact that I'm still here AND I'm not dead yet!

Cancer Sucks....or have I said that already?

2010-05-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

The hair is gone, or mostly. I look like a wispy toe-head....an 80 year-old, toe-head. Thought I was making it through this last round of chemo fairly well, and all things considered, I suppose I have. Played tennis on Saturday and won with my partner Janelle! I love running and hitting the ball and feeling almost normal. Normal would be no thoughts of chemo, cancer, wondering if I'll make it through this battle. The nausea is continuing with stomach pain. The ct scan at the Mayo Clinic last week showed my right kidney enlarged. I get so tired at work, want to spend too much time sleeping and then hate that I am wasting precious time sleeping when time truly is so very precious.

I long to feel pretty and sexy for my husband. Yet, bald, skinny and a scarred body is the reflection in the mirror and there isn't anything pretty or sexy about it. I long for the carefree days riding on the back of the motorcycle, holding on tight to my loving guy with more love and joy in my heart than should have ever been legal and foolishly thinking those days would last forever.

I don't like to get into thoughts of fairness or why me, because I inevitably answer, "why not?" There is nothing fair about cancer so I won't waste thoughts on it.

Chemo is the chance to make it all go away and let me live. But it zaps all energy, and for a hyperactive person like myself, that is a killer in and of itself.

I just want to get it done with, again for the second time. Grow my hair back out. Make mad passionate love with my husband and not cringe from my reflection in the mirror.

And then there is the mountain home. The dream house my husband bought me. It gives me hope that one day we will be able to enjoy being mountain hippies and just soak in all the beautiful energy that is there. I know it's not his dream, it is mine, but it's that dream right now that gets me up in the morning putting one foot in front of the other.

Cancer sucks, chemo is tough, but this chick isn't about to give up the fight anytime soon.

Round F***ing Two

2010-04-08T16:04:00.000-07:00

RFT. Thanks to my dear friend V-grrrl for coming up with this most appropriate name for my current battle with Ovarian Cancer. After recovering from three surgeries over the past few months to remove all evidence of the disease, this past Tuesday the fight begins again with the first round of chemo (or 7th if you count the 6 cycles from 2008). The cancer killer duo of Taxol/Carboplatin was given via an IV port that has been surgically implanted in my upper chest with a direct line to a vein. This makes it much more easier to get the chemo and the weekly blood draws as my veins are virtually invisible from the last round of chemo. Being poked and prodded in the attempts to locate a vein for an IV or to draw blood was becoming a real pain in the behind as well as the arm! Today is day three and am feeling a little achy, fluish, but that may be from the shot of Neulasta that was given yesterday to help encourage white cell growth, but also does something (?) to the bone marrow, thus the achies.

This has obviously been a difficult journey, certainly anyone that is told they have any type of cancer in the advanced stages knows they are in for some difficulties, but additionally, I dropped my GYN/Oncologist who I really trusted from my initial bout, decided to go to the Mayo Clinic, and willingly do a pretty controversial and evasive 2nd debulking surgery (during which another tumor was found!) and do a chemo regimen that usually is only done during the initial discovery of Ovarian Cancer.

Additionally, I decided to go with an oncologist here in town, that my gut told me to go with. I feel my gut was correct as he continues to add various supplements to my pharmaceutical regimen to help boost cell rejuvenation. Again, controversial, but I have found many clinical trials that show this to improve outcomes. To me, it makes sense to help my own bodies defenses in attacking this disease and kicking it's ass as far away from me as humanly possible!

And so, today I have spent most of it in bed, most not all. I will always try my best to walk out to my beautiful little patio garden, water the roses and all the other plants, say "hi" to the finches and sit for a while, see that the sky is still blue and the sun is shining above me and thank God for it all.

The Monster is Back

2010-03-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

I thought I was on the road to recovery from my battle with Ovarian Cancer a silent killer among cancers. I was going to be the "lucky" one. This past December found me in the hospital for almost a month and three surgeries. They originally thought the pain was my Gall Bladder...SWOOSH...take it out! Symptoms didn't stop. Then surmised it must be an intestinal blockage...but nothing showed up on the scans. After several more weeks of pain they went in and yes, there was a blockage. But, there was also more cancer. SWOOSH! Out with more parts.

They thought they got it all. I decided to go to the Mayo Clinic for a 2nd opinion on what chemo regimen to begin. Instead a recent PET scan showed more hot spots....cancer. More surgery, very invasive, but the doctors seem optimistic.

After several weeks in Arizona, I am now home, trying to cope with this news. Look up recurrent ovarian cancer and you will understand the emotional and mental toll this is taking. I will go back to Mayo in April, get the stent out of my kidney/bladder and will talk with the oncologist about the chemo plan.

Originally, we were going to do IP...right in the abdomen. The surgery dictates that now we will do some of the cycles by IV until I am healed well enough inside to handle the IP. It's scary shit. I'm trying to stay positive and be in that 5% that makes it. It's just not easy, even for a Pollyanna girl like me.

David's Ivy

2010-01-10T19:34:00.001-08:00

Well after spending almost 4 weeks in the hospital, including Christmas and New Years, I am loving being home. Though I am still spending most of my time resting in bed, I have been able to sit and look out the window, watch the finches on their feeder and just enjoy the beauty of my small zen garden.

I think of my old house on a half acre with beautiful flower beds and lots of roses and miss being able to cut roses to have in the house pretty much whenever I wanted. I remember moving into the apartment shortly after my divorce and how hard it was not being able to work in my yard. I bought over 50 plants for my little balcony. I tended the plants and watched them thrive. I had a purpose once again. Mother's need to tend, they need to see what they tend grow and flourish. I felt whole.

Then when we found our first house together, Beni and I, I remember looking at the backyard and saying I wanted this house. I really didn't care what the inside was like, it had a big yard. Plenty of planting room. I brought all the plants from the apartment and gave them a permanent place. Except for the big momma aloe vera that came from my old house. I planted her babies, but kept the mama in her pot...just in case.

Then my daughter and her son needed a place and we sold them our house and we decided to move into the townhouse. Preston after all, needed a yard to play in, more than I needed a yard to plant and tend.

And so, here I am in the one story townhouse, that we have remodeled hacienda style with lots of color and Diego Rivera type paintings. But there is only a small courtyard in the front and a small patio in the back. Every inch of dirt is occupied with some plant or other. Additional pots abound with more plants. And I dream of having a yard with rose gardens and vegetable gardens, in the mountains where lilac bushes would grow and maybe even hydrangeas.

When we first moved in, I wondered how I would like the closeness of the neighbors. I really liked my house on the 1/2 acre so this connectedness was going to be different and I wasn't sure how I would like it. Jane and David lived next door...connected to our bedroom side. David was ill and Jane took care of him and her ailing mother. Jane. Jane had a wit and a brilliant mind. She made me laugh. She cooked wonderful things and brought them over to share. She was older, but she became my best friend.

Jane had an atrium in her unit. She had these wonderful plants. Boston ferns that were huge. Tremendous ferns that had overgrown their big pots but just too big to plant in anything else. She one day decides to cut them in two with a butcher knife and wanted my help. I wasn't so sure. It looked like a death sentence to me. Jane was determined and so we did it. We took that big knife and sliced and sawed those ferns into two rather large plants. And I ended up with half of the bounty! I still have my fern...it's outside in the courtyard now. HUGE! We laughed at what we had done, but thought it quite marvelous when we had finished.

Another lovely plant was a beautiful variegated ivy. Jane called it David's ivy. It was a little ivy plant he had during one of his stays in the hospital. It had long since thrived in the atrium into an adult plant. I always commented on it and one day Jane brings me 3 starts of David's ivy. I planted each start in a different location to make sure at least one of them would take.

At first they looked like they would all do well, but after time only one remained. I became more careful in tending this, because during the months following the planting of David's ivy, David had died, Jane's mother had died and Jane was forced to move out. I kept thinking something would happen and the landlord would let her stay, but if didn't happen, Jane moved out. No more calls to meet at the pony wall for pie or homemade macaroni and cheese. No more calls that she was armed with a butcher knife and going to separate a fern. David's ivy was all that remained.

Now I sit in a chair out on the back patio and watch the pretty yellow finches. I see the rock I painted with tulips for Jane when she decided she wasn't going to buy any more flowers for her patio only to watch them die. And I see David's ivy, growing strong and healthy. Slowly finding it's way up the trellis. Reminding me to be patient, to take it slow, to take care of myself, to remember what is important and what isn't. To remember friends that made me laugh and gave me gifts that will stay in my heart forever. I miss you Jane, but David's ivy is here and growing stronger each day, showing me that life goes on. And I am trying to do the same.

Poor Tiger, no CHEETAH!

2009-12-12T11:07:00.000-08:00

Oh so poor, poor Tiger Woods going into hiding. Can't take the heat from the press! Poor boy. Or how about the bimbo who says she got nothing out of the relationship, not even a birthday card. Don't you just hurt for her? NOT! Yep, I think Tiger needs to change his name to a new cat...Cheetah Woods!

Through the Storm and others

2009-10-07T07:48:00.001-07:00

Added to what I did the other day and then did a couple more. Getting better...I think.
And no brushes to clean! :)

Second Try at Painting in Photoshop

2009-10-05T20:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am supposed to be working on a presentation for a national conference at our college...I'm doing Conflict Management....piece of cake right. Well, I usually do a 2 hour workshop to full day work shops on this subject. This one I get 45 minutes, and I figure after the time it takes for those attending to sign-in and sit down it will be more like 35 minutes. My stumping point is what to leave out! So what am I doing instead of figuring out that dilemma? Doing more computer painting! It's pretty fun and I am finding it a fun way to do first drafts of what I may later paint on canvas. Just not too helpful in determining the content of my presentation!

Computer Painting

2009-10-03T22:09:00.001-07:00

Here is my first attempt at Computer Painting. I've been wanting to come up with something dealing with the theme of Ovarian Cancer's "Break the Silence." My original idea was the woman releasing a bird with the teal ribbon representing ovarian cancer flying away...to spread the word. However, I had a very difficult time with the details of the bird and settled for the ballon on this first attempt. Later, I will do the painting in acrylics or watercolor. Realizing I really need the pad and pen thingy that you can use instead of the mouse on my laptop...difficult for fine detail stuff.

My European Vacation

2009-09-19T21:27:00.001-07:00

I have been wondering the last few days if there is a difference between traveling for pleasure and a vacation. Vacation to me has been camping in Oregon, cooking over an open fire in dutch ovens, flying my kites on the beach, crabbing, or just doing nothing and vegging out. My husband on the other hand loves to travel to places he hasn't been before and hates going to the same place more than once or twice. And more so, doesn't particularly like camping.

I, too, love to travel, but to me traveling is stressful. Making all the travel reservations, hotel reservations, planning the various itineraries in the various towns/countries. I had spent a great deal of time, researching, planning, making a myriad of reservations for planes, trains, tours, hotels, boat rides, etc. When the night finally came before we left on our trip, I still didn't have my suitcase packed and was exhausted and we hadn't even made it out the door. By the time we finally made it to the airport I was more than ready for a vacation.

Our travels took us to Amsterdam with windmills, Anne Frank and Van Gogh. And yes, Coffee houses and the red-light district! Then on to Meppen, Germany to visit with our great friends Holger and Sabine who we met in Vegas many years ago playing tennis. We stayed with them in their new home and what wonderful hosts they were and what a very beautiful town.

From Meppen we went on to Heidelberg. I think I could have stayed in Heidelberg (or Meppen) forever! Both just beautiful. We walked the Philosopher's walk in Heidelberg, visited castles, took long bike rides and long walks, drank champagne in the forest and walked the cobbelstone streets adoring the old buildings and marveling at the history that was encapsulated all in one place.

From Heidelberg we took the bullet train to Paris reaching speeds of almost 200 mph! Paris with the Eiffel tower, Louvre, Notre Dame, Cathedrals, monuments, holding hands and walking along the Seine and again all those wonderfully old buildings with a history that is hard to comprehend for someone from a town barely 100 years old.

We had a wonderful time, a beautiful trip, adventuresome travels and a great vacation.....or a wonderful time traveling whether it was a trip or a vacation....it was all good!

I will try and get some pictures up on my Facebook page and those interested can check them out there.

Curly Locks

2009-06-27T22:31:00.001-07:00

You've seen my long locks, my bald head and now my 6 months of growth after chemo. I truly expected I would have a cute blond bob by now. With convincing from my oldest daughter I dyed it ash brown. Curly is a whole new experience for someone who has had stick straight hair. No complaints, but can't wait until I can have my long blond locks back and pull it all back into a pony tail! I figure at this rate of growth I may be well into my 60's! I am joined here with my very cute younger sister at her son's wedding a few weeks ago.

Friday Dance Party!

2009-06-18T21:41:00.000-07:00

Yahoo! We have been invited back to do our "Let the Sunshinge In" dance down on Fremont street! Great fun, can't wait! You can see our dance in video in my sidebar! It truly is crazy fun!

Can't Believe I Just Did That!

2009-06-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

Today I did something that I have been so afraid of doing for years, but never did. That really horrible something that has you waking up in a sweat when you even dream about doing it. I still can't believe I did it. I am usually so careful.

You know. What's your biggest fear with email? Inadvertantly sending an email to the wrong person. Oh, sure, it would be no big deal if it was just a "hi, how ya doing' email. But when you think you are FORWARDING an email to a friend from a jerk of a client, with little smart ass side comments in blue....bolded. When you call the client a "Whacked out nut case" and make another comment that infers he is masterbating. Well, that's a little different. Yea.

It was supposed to go to a friend with the first line "Please don't share, but this is what I have been dealing with all week..."

I thought she would get the shock I did when I received this email, and then be writing back with "OMG! what a jerk!"

I didn't hear from her. So I called her on the way home and asked her what she thought. She didn't get the email. OMG! Who did I send it to?

Well, instead of hitting "forward" I hit "reply." Yep. I sent it to the client. The same client I will be meeting with tomorrow! The whacked out nut case!

Yea, just call me the email dumbass of the week!

added 6/17/09. I get a call today from the college attorney. I see his name on the phone and think "Oh sh*t, he knows. I answer and he says "I need to talk to you about an email you sent.....(I'M DEAD!) to the legislature this past session......(How do you spell relief?)

Out of Hospital/Fremont Dance

2009-05-31T18:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm out. I was held hostage and not given anything to eat or drink for days, but really, I'm fine now! They still don't have a clue, after a sh*t load of tests, of what was causing the pain, only what WASN'T causing it. Trust me, I really don't need to spend any more time in a hospital after this past year!

Home, eating lots of hot Mexican food and feeling great!

I have included in the sidebar somewhere my crazy Fremont Street dance....I'm the one with the orange t-shirt and white hat. This was on Memorial Day weekend down on Fremont Street, a bunch of us had decided to go in and just all start dancing...kinda on the Antwerp Train Station type of thing...if you have no clue what I am talking about, google Antwerp Train Station.

It was a blast. Now they want us to come down every Friday night! What a hoot!

Please Remove The Ax From My Stomach!

2009-05-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

Sooo. I am in the hospital. Second day in a row. Two trips to ER ending up in two stays. For the same thing. Monday night I wake up with gripping pains in my stomach, did I just get stabbed with a poker? Day comes, no pain, night comes...pain, worse, end up at ER. They do a ton of tests, CT scans, Xrays, blood, urine all is normal except the patient who is in nonrelenting pain. They give me morphine, blessed morphine, pain stops. I'm admitted, get a room...no view. Morning comes all is well. I am released, pick up the pain prescription. Night falls, pain starts, take pills, nothing. Take another. Nothing. Now it feels as if I have been whacked with an ax right in the middle of my stomach. Another trip to ER. More tests. They send me up to the 3rd floor (which is okay, it's the baby ward!) Pain stops. More tests scheduled for tomorrow. I am hoping tonight is filled with nothing but sleep. After three days of no sleep and little to eat, I am bushed. So if you hear any screaming tonight, won't you please, come help me out here and remove the ax!

The weird thing (Twilight music here) it was EXACTLY one year to the day that I had stomach pains that sent me to the ER and they discovered my Ovarian mass. EXACTLY!

Trip to Zion

2009-04-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

Life is zooming past and I feel like I am running behind trying to catch up and jump on the bus! Seems like no time for anything lately. Beni has been working crazy hours at work getting Lion King ready for the opening. Tech rehearsals and focusing going on now. 14-16 hour days, six day weeks for the past month and a half. He finally got two days off and we took off to Zion National Park with some of the technical team. One of our favorite places up there is Flannigans, just a really serene hotel and spa.

Zion is always great with plenty of hikes for any level from easy to strenuous. It felt great getting out and actually being able to do some of the hikes. Good to have the energy level going up. Not quite where I was a year ago, but very glad to pretty much keep up.

Hair is coming in, about 3/4" long, is very thick and appears to be curly! I always wished for curly hair, careful what you wish for eh?

Today is my parents 59th Wedding Anniversary! Isn't that just amazing? They raised me up so I could stand on mountains, they raised me up to walk on stormy seas, and I am strong when I am on their shoulders, they raised me up to more than I should be.

Okay so I changed that a little, but they raised us kids with a tremendous amount of love and laughter and I am tremendously grateful to have been raised by parents who showed us what a loving home and loving parents was all about. Love you Mom and Dad!

FaceBook Whore

2009-03-11T21:04:00.000-07:00

I am still alive. Thanks for all those who were asking where I was and if I was okay. I've been seeing someone else...well, not someone. My tennis buddies told me to get on Facebook to keep in touch when we wanted to play tennis and as a fun way to get in touch with old friends. "Not for me," I said. They convinced me to give it a try and I thought, "what the heck." And then I was hooked. Hooked finding old friends from high school, hooked playing Word Twist, hooked playing Geo Challenge. But there were also blog friends there too. Peter, Gary, cool. It's quick comments, quick updates throughout the day, games at night, find more friends, be someone's friend, lots of friends!

Then V-grrl brought me back to earth the other day. I realized I missed my blog friends and I felt so guilty, you know that feeling when you haven't called your mom in a couple of weeks. I'll try to do better, I promise! But if you have a FaceBook account please be my friend!

Skating on the River and Stuck in Denver

2009-02-02T19:31:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I am here in Denver Airport waiting to see if I am going to be purposely bumped from the flight. Sure, I'll give up my seat if the price is right!

Anyway, thinking of the nice weekend with the hubs in minus 20 degree Winnipeg. I was very surprised by the very flat landscape. I was expecting mountains and lots of trees. However, it was very beautiful, seeing a endless blanket of snow as far as your eye could see. We had some great walks bundled up with so much outer wear I could hardly bend my knees and elbows! We had a super time ice skating on the river. I had only ice skated once in a rink in Vegas (not really the thing in Vegas!) with my daughter. She was great, but I pretty much just held on to the edge of the rink and scooted along.

So, this was a big deal! I got the hang of it pretty fast and we skated about a mile down the trail and then back. Now for all you skaters out there, I know that might not seem like much, but I was pretty out of breath and feeling very out of shape by the time we got back to where we started. AND it was minus degree weather!

I also had tremendous good fun making paper airplanes and throwing them out the window of our 18th story room....good fun!

But for now, I'm still waiting at the airport. Excuse me, that would be the MILE HIGH airport!

Note: I'm at the hotel in Denver, officially bumped and flying back tomorrow afternoon.

Blustery Day and Eyelashes

2009-01-27T08:47:00.000-08:00

Well, it's a blustery day in the neighborhood with a distinct chill in the air! I am feeling very wimpy bundling up and complaining of the cold when it's probably all of 48 degrees outside and I know the hubs is up in Winnipeg where it is -30. I will be flying up there to spend a few days with him and wondering how I pack all the outer wear/boots/gloves/socks/thermals/handwarmers and then my regular clothes in my carry on suitcase....along with my laptop of course! I am most concerned about my eyeballs. Won't they just freeze solid the minute I step outside? Why do people live in such a cold place? Thank you to all my ancestors who traveled to the hell pit of the desert which became Las Vegas!

Today i used mascara for the first time in 5 months! Okay they are miniscule eyelashes but they are there! I looked really hard and I saw them this morning and knew I must pull out the mascara. Enhancement is a women's best friend!

Peach Fuzz!

2009-01-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

It is starting to come back. It feels like peach fuzz. It looks grey and white. After six months of baldness, total baldness, the fine soft hairs are starting to grow back. It's not easy being bald, but you know it wasn't anything I cried about. I did/do wear a wig at work, but when I am home it's Miss Baldy.

What's it like? At first when you start losing the hair it itches quite a bit. After it is totally gone you realize that your head has a thermostat all of its own. Hot, then cold. Cold, then hot.

I never used to notice anyone's hair, color or style. Now I notice everyone's hair. Everyone looks like they have nice thick long hair. Beautiful hair. But when all is said and done...it's just hair.

My First White Christmas

2009-01-06T23:35:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! We are back from our Christmas escape to Santa Fe and we had a wonderful white Christmas...my first! It was truly beautiful! Cold, very cold, but beautiful. We had such a great time and lots to see. From old missions and pueblos, to our trip home taking the historical Route 66 from Santa Fe all the way through Arizona to the border of California. Yes, that is us "standing on the corner in Winslow, Arizona!"

I even found mistletoe growing on a tree on the way there and made Beni stop so I could go and climb the tree and pull it down. I spotted it as we were driving down the snowing mountain hiway and he's such a great guy to find a place to turn around and drive back 2 miles... Not that we needed the Mistletoe in our room! But hey, real, fresh Mistletoe, how often do you get that? And isn't Mistletoe such a nice name for a parasite you kiss under?

It's good to be home and hope everyone had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!
For us it was the first New Years we hadn't worked in decades...Pyrotechnicians in Vegas sorta are busy that time of year!

Over-Whelmed and Over Achievers!

2008-12-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't read the last post...I had my last Chemo Treatment! Huzzah! I have had some problems with infection and some tests that the doctor has decided to run, Renal Ultrasound, bladder scoped, and a cat scan. Most of the tests will happen mid-December just prior to Christmas.

Christmas. The thought has me totally overwhelmed. Usually this time of year I am planning the trip to go cut my tree. Yes, I cut my own tree. I have taken my Grandson since he was one (he is eight) and it's just a fun time. But this year, I know I do not have the endurance to hike the mountain to cut the tree and carry it out. Bummer.

Then there is thinking of Christmas shopping. I usually have a list and ideas, I have a big family, organization is a must. Unfortunately, I don't have a list. I don't have ideas. I think about going to the mall and doing the zombie shopping and it is so overwhelming. Knowing it will be at least one more week before I even start getting any energy back from this last chemo, I'm just not getting that warm fuzzy Christmas spirit feeling and the idea of being at the mall with last minute shoppers (who I have made fun of in the past) is way too scary. Gift cards are starting to sound like an okay idea! Gift Cards! I can't believe I would even consider it, me, the one who decided on Thanksgiving one year to make my four kids crocheted afghans for Christmas. That's FOUR afghans, figuring out exactly how many rows a night I needed to do to complete them in time. My calculations were just a little off because I actually included Christmas day as one of the days and had to do some last minute recalculations, increasing the row counts! I can handle the Christmas pressure, but I do like original type of gifts to give. But this year it just all sounds like too much stress. I'm not seeing the fun in any of it.

Then there is all the stress with Christmas cards. Such pressure. I couldn't believe I started getting Christmas cards last week! Do they want an award or what? And I thought I was an over achiever.

I love being with family, but this year it just seems too much to deal with and so, I am running away. Really! I have to use my vacation days because the college decided to close the campus over winter break and since my summer vacation was spent recovering from surgery I decided to just take a trip. A road trip! My husband thinks it sounds great. We haven't decided where to yet, maybe Santa Fe, maybe Montana, but some where, somewhere away from all the glitz and the hustle and bustle of Las Vegas. Perhaps I should bake some cookies or put up some lights. No, I know what I need! The video of a Charlie Brown's Christmas!! Or a good road atlas!

Happy Turkey Day! Good/Bad news

2008-11-26T23:41:00.000-08:00

First: HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY WONDERFUL BLOGGER FRIENDS!!
Enjoy my Thanksgiving Card for All

Now the Good News and the Bad News:

This Friday was supposed to be my LAST Chemo treatment. Hurray!

I get a call this morning at around 9:30AM from the chemo infusion center, right when I am deciding where to start first, mopping floors or making , and they asked me "where are you?" I inform them that I do my chemo on Fridays not Wednesdays. "But we are closed Thursday and Friday for the Holiday and the doctor scheduled your chemo for today." Well shit I think. I take the day off of work so I can do some pre-baking and preparing so it won't be so hectic tomorrow and now I have to go and spend 7 hours at the hospital. So, that's the bad news, because our five year anniversary is Saturday. With Chemo on Friday's I would be find on Saturday to celebrate. With Chemo on Wednesday, I will be hugging the camode on Saturday.

BUT! It is the LAST one and now it's done.

I did manage to make 2 pecan pies tonight. One I left out some of the ingredients and didn't find out until after it came out of the oven. Looks pretty but probably is hard as a rock! (pre-drugs make you loopy and brain dead) So then had to make another with all the ingredients.

Hope everyone has a good time with family and friends, lots of good food, full bellies and left overs!!

AND remember all your blessings, even in the worst of times there is much to be thankful for.

Lego Land and Boob jobs!

2008-11-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

I am ZONKED! Had Chemo two weeks ago, flew to Phoenix immediately following, attended Step-Daughters graduation, rode home on the motorcycle for over 6 hours, came home went through the worst of it the next three days and then left on Thursday with my daughter and grandson to Lego Land! Have I mentioned I hate to miss ANYTHING?? We spent the next two days at Lego Land, me being pushed around in a wheelchair. I thought I would be completely humiliated in the wheelchair, but I wouldn't have made it otherwise. The upside was we got to go to the front of the line. Well if their had been any lines, that is, the place was empty!

Saturday morning we awoke and just took our time packing up and then headed for the beach in Carlsbad. My daughter and I plopped our butts on the sand and watched Preston run and chase the waves. There were some surfers out and that was pretty cool too. After an hour or so, we decided it was time to hit the rode. My daughter drove my car, you know, Goldy the hippie mobile that survived the wreck with the semi, and got us home safe and sound. A good time was had by all....of course, it wasn't Disneyland, my most favorite place, but the Grandson had fun and that's why we were there.

Okay, now boob jobs. I'm watching the weirdo bimbo on TV that has had all these breast augmentations and now is going from triple F's to triple M's! What doctor would do that? She looks hideous! She says this is it now, she is happy that she set the world record for biggest jugs! Oh, we are all so happy for you! Watch the video, it's not in English, but the pictures will be all you need anyway!

Why am I watching this? What have I become? Must be another side effect from all that chemo! Give me Survivor, I can't take any more of watermelon girl!

Motorcycle Ride Back From Phoenix

2008-11-12T12:15:00.000-08:00

Last Friday I had my 5th Chemo treatment which lasted 7 hours and then went from there to the airport to catch my 6:20PM flight to Phoenix for my step-daughter's college graduation. I get there and the first thing I see is that my flight had been delayed by 2 hours not leaving until 8:30PM. I then hope I can get on standby on an earlier flight. I go check out other flights and see that every thing is delayed because of the runway construction at McCarren. GREAT! Then I see that the 3:30pm flight is scheduled to leave at 6:20PM....that's my best bet. I go stand in line at the counter and hear the attendant tell the guy in front of me after his pretty good sob story, that there were 37 people a head of him on standby. THINK QUICK! Need to think of a better story!

I did and almost everything was true, including that I had come straight from the hospital after having chemo, that I would be getting sick soon, that I needed a shot after chemo and had to be there at 8:30PM Well actually all of that was true, except it sounded like I needed the shot before 8:30PM...I had already had the shot after my treatment. But, it worked, I was given a boarding pass for the 3:30pm, now 6:20pm flight and able to get there at my original arrival time. I know it was bad and I will be punished. But I really needed to get in, find something to eat and get to bed or I would have been dead the next day.

The graduation went super, the party that night was even better. I was rock queen on the quitar in Rock Band! Even though I didn't get too much sleep that night. I went to bed at 11PM and the kids continued with beer pong and Rock Band until 4AM! Not too conducive for sleeping. Somehow, my hubs slept through it.

Next morning the hubby and I headed for home on his 1982 Goldwing. Old, but a fun bike. The desert from Phoenix to Las Vegas is just beautiful. I was really looking forward to the ride because I haven't had a long ride since getting this cancer sh*t in May. We hit some pretty hard winds and then some rain just when we were coming into Wickieup. So, we had lunch and waited for about an hour. Other riders came in from the direction we would be headed and said they had hit major storms and the roads were very slick. We decided to give it ago anyway as it looked like there was a little clearing of sunshine and that we might just be able to skirt the storm. We did. However, it was very cold.

We stopped about every hour in the normally 6 hour trip for me a butt break and to stretch out my tingling feet. The desert aroma after the rain was incredible. The smell of creosote was so strong, and everything looked wonderfully clean. I was tired and cold when we rolled up the driveway, but it was such a fun adventure after all this chemo crap. Speaking of chemo, the doctor says only one more! Huzzah! The pictures here are not mine and I think the photographer is listed, but they pretty much sum up what the desert looked like up close and personal on the bike. If you click on the picture you can go to the website of more glorious photos.

Still Pluggin' Along

2008-11-03T21:01:00.000-08:00

I have chemo number 5 this Friday, and then there should be only one more to go. Tomorrow I see the doctor and find out if she will be adding additional chemo treatments. PLEASE NO MORE!!!

All depends on the CA-125 some cancer counter. Need to get mine in single digits. Everyone think good thoughts come 3:30pm Nevada time!

Saturday, my step-daughter gradates from college. She works full time so this has been a long time coming and a very special day for her. My hubs jumped on the motorcycle this morning to head to Phoenix to help her with some home repairs and to be there for the graduation. I will have my 7 hour chemo on Friday and then have my daughter take me straight to the airport from the hospital so I can be there too. Then Sunday morning I will ride back to Vegas on the motorcycle with the hubs. It will be a long day, but this is her special day and I knew I would just hate to miss it. So, I will suck it up and hold on tight! Hoping I won't fall asleep and fall off....Ouch! Hoping if I do, the hubs will notice!!!

Chemo and Semi's

2008-10-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

Been a downer week. I had a doctor appointment last Tuesday to find out if there would be additional chemo treatments.(I was supposed to be done by now!) Obviously, I had been anxious all week, hoping counts would be down and I would be finished with this tortuous treatment. On the way to the doctor's office I was hit from behind by a semi-truck! Well, actually the car behind me was hit by the semi who then preceded to smash very violently into my cute, little, sunflower yellow, Xterra-Goldy! BAM! So, there we were in the middle of the road waiting for police with people driving around us and yelling at us, or making stupid comments. "Right, Buddy!" "Yea, really funny!" "Yep, we wrecked to ruin your day!" What a-holes!

I missed the doctor's appointment and had to go the next day, stiff neck/back and all."Counts aren't down enough, three more chemo treatments."

I started this new round this past Friday, so today am feeling punky, achy, but better than yesterday. God, I don't want to do more of this, it sucks! But,the good news was I didn't have to have the blood transfusion! Actually, compared to the last treatment when I had the infection, this isn't so bad at all, I think the worst is over for this round. I may even get out of bed today and go find something to eat. Panda Express!

My show this past weekend-Dracula-was great, wonderful! Standing ovations each night! Didn't raise as much as we had hoped, but did have a decent turn out. I was absolutely bushed as I had the chemo on Friday and then two shows, two receptions to set up and of course, I have to be all cheery and welcoming everyone, do the preshow announcement and thank all our supporters, etc., then get off stage and go puke! Onward and upward and hopefully, little Goldy will get repaired this week!

Dracula and Blood Transfusions

2008-10-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

Been a wild week. I got an infection, blood counts plummeted, doctor wants to do a transfusion, which grosses me out. There's just something about having someone else's blood in me...who are they? Did they wash their hands after using the restroom? I need to convince the doctor tomorrow to wait a day until my next blood test on Friday and then go from there. I'll see if she will go for that.

Then in between the health crisis I have my big benefit concert I am
producing/co-sponsoring at work....Dracula the New Musical! Much running around getting stuff for the VIP reception, making flower arrangements, getting sponsors, creating ads, creating all the graphics for the program and on and on. Somehow having a low blood count is starting to make a lot more sense. Wasn't that a bat I saw fly by my window last night?

Feeling the Blues

2008-09-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

Monday is always my bad day after chemo on Friday. I keep thinking I will get used to the symptoms and be able to roll with it better, but puking' and having every bone in your body feel like it's broke, just isn't any fun at all. And that's just the top two side effects! There's about four others that we won't even discuss!

The pain and nausea seems to get worse with each treatment. Knowing this last treatment was supposed to be the last one, really got me down, because it won't be. Knowing I would have to go through this again, one to three more times got me upset to the point of tears and I hate being a blubbering idiot. Hurting and thinking, "I don't want to hurt anymore!" "I don't want to do this shit anymore!" Then feeling really guilty because I know there are many out there that have gone through way more treatments than I will have to go through.

And I'm tired of being the scary bald grandmama. And more than anything, I'm tired of being tired! I hate missing my tennis clinic, but there is just no way I can go the week after the chemo, I know, because I tried it last time. Big Mistake!

So, today is better than yesterday, and I know tomorrow will be better than today and by Thursday I will be back to work. I just hate feeling like I'm wimping out. And yesterday, I was a big old wimp!

Slacker Uprising!

2008-09-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

Michael Moore, as you may well know gave permission to download, share and is giving this documentary away for free to US and Canadian citizens. You wouldn't believe the Hoo-Haw at the college because I am showing this in our theatre! Hopefully, it will encourage some of the deadbeats to get up and vote!

I Qualified for Nationals!

2008-09-27T12:50:00.001-07:00

I am totally beat down, had my 3rd chemo yesterday, but Tuesday through Thursday I participated in the Nevada Senior Olympics, three matches a day, 8AM, 10AM and Noon. Let me tell you in Vegas in September it is hot! So if playing three matches a day wasn't bad enough, playing them in mid day was just killer.

Additionally, in the Senior Olympics you play in age groups not by your rating which is also difficult if you are on the low end of the ratings...like me. Which meant I played players above my level. I am 3.0 and played mostly 3.5 players and the last day a 4.0 player (I lost that one, 2-6, 4-6, but had more games on her than anyone else, so was very proud of that!) I came away with SILVER in Singles, SILVER in Women's Doubles, and a GOLD with my sweetheart husband in Mixed Doubles.

I am totally exhausted, I don't know how much is the Chemo and how much is all that running around this week, but I am thrilled that I qualified for the National Senior Olympics in California next year. The National Olympics isn't played every year and this was the qualifying year, so I was very determined to make it.

We met lots of great people and became great friends with two guys from the Ukraine! We had them over for dinner last night and what did they bring? Russian vodka and caviar! We will be saving that for a special occasion I am sure.

On another note: This should have been my last chemo, but my counts apparently weren't where the doctor wanted so more have been added. That's a real bummer, but just got to deal with it. Also, here is a tip for anyone else undergoing chemo, losing their hair and wearing synthetic wigs. Be very careful getting things out of the oven.

Last night when I was getting stuff out of the oven, without being aware of it, the bangs on my very cute short wig got melted up to the base of the wig. I will have to figure out what to do about that later. For now, I will admire my three medals... baldly!

MAY PEACE PREVAIL ON EARTH

2008-09-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

Join me in celebrating and reflecting on International Peace Day.

Peace to All!

I'm a Dweeb!

2008-09-20T18:11:00.000-07:00

Today was my league tennis match. I'm the captain. I usually get to the courts early and make sure everything is all set for our matches. Which is what I did today. Except this morning I forgot one little thing.

First off, you got to know, the match started at 7AM and I am not a morning person in any sense of the word. I was playing singles to try and build up my stamina for the Nevada Senior Olympics that I am doing next week so was looking forward to playing.

For some unknown reason I woke up this morning at 3:30AM and couldn't get back to sleep so I just decided to get up after an hour of tossing and turning. I putzed around the house, watered my little patio gardens, swept up more leaves, made me some oatmeal, read the morning paper and then left for the courts that are a good 30 minutes from my house.

I get to the courts and get them all set up with the score things, get new balls down off the shelf, make sure the bathroom is opened, set out the snacks and bananas I brought. The other team and my fellow team members arrive, I assign courts and as always I am the last to go to my court to play. As soon as I stepped onto the courts something seemed wrong. I looked down at my feet and there I stood in sandals. SANDALS! FLIPPIN' SANDALS! No socks, no tennis shoes. My opponent asked me if I wanted to default. I said "no way." I took out my sport tape and TAPED my sandals to my feet. I would like to say I won the match. Unfortunately, I did not, though I did win the first set, I lost the match in a tie-breaker, taped on sandals and all. What a dweeb!

The Tree and Me

2008-09-19T20:26:00.001-07:00

Leaves turn brown and fall away
Each morning I sweep the patio
Knowing tomorrow there will be more
Until one morning the tree will be bare.

It’s the very normal part of the seasons.
Days get shorter and cooler
Leaves turn brown and fall from their host
Until it is left barren to face the wind alone.

My hair has fallen
Let loose by the poison
Pumped into my body
Destroying all in it’s path.

I feel naked and embarrassed
At my new frightening image
It makes me look old and sick
It labels me a cancer victim.

I see the tree standing tall having no choice
But to let the leaves drop to the cold ground below
I understand the helplessness of watching part of you fall away
Having to accept the bareness with strength and grace.

In spring the days will once again be warm
The buds will promise the beauty of renewal.
Perhaps come spring the tree and I can rejoice
That we are whole once more.

For now I will sympathize with the tree.

Bald Pros and Cons

2008-09-17T21:15:00.000-07:00

I got in the car today on my way home from work, and looked desperately around for a hat or cap. Spied a tennis cap in the back seat. Perfect. Wig off. Hat on. Thank you God! My poor head was itching like crazy and I just couldn't wait to get home to take off the wig.

This got me thinking about what sucks about being bald, which then got me thinking about what is good about being bald.

PROS:
*No need to buy Shampoo/Conditioner/hair spray
*No time wasted to fix hair
*You can rub your head for luck whenever you want
*You can scare people at will
*No falling hairs on dark tops
*Don't have to worry about messing up hair when putting on or taking off top
*Don't have to worry about touching up roots
*Can go from long hair to short hair and back in a day

CONS
*Wigs cause head to itch like crazy
*Rash,itch,scratch
*head feels cold and wet all the time, except when covered and it itches
*Scares self when catching site of self unexpectedly in the mirror(keep thinking some bald man is in the house!)
*Ears appear much larger without hair

Well, see there. There are more positives to being bald then there are cons. I should be so happy. I guess I need to work on that.

Get Ready for Peace Day!

2008-09-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

The International Day of Peace ("Peace Day") provides an opportunity for individuals, organizations and nations to create practical acts of peace on a shared date. It was established by a United Nations resolution in 1981 to coincide with the opening of the General Assembly. The first Peace Day was celebrated in September 1982.

In 2002 the General Assembly officially declared September 21 as the permanent date for the International Day of Peace.

By creating the International Day of Peace, the UN devoted itself to worldwide peace and encouraged all of mankind to work in cooperation for this goal. Along with being designated by the UN as the International Day of Peace, September 21 is also a day of Global Ceasefire. By acknowledging a unified day without violence, a Global Ceasefire can provide hope for citizens who must endure war and conflict; it proves that worldwide peace is possible. A cessation of hostilities for 24 hours can also enable relief workers to reach civilians in need with food, water, and medical supplies.

Join the ‘TXT 4 Peace’ campaign!

Join the United Nations International Day of Peace Team in their global ‘TXT 4 PEACE‘ campaign to tell world leaders your thoughts on what it will take to achieve world peace!

Text ‘PEACE’ and your message to 69866 (160 characters max, only in the U.S.) or go to Peaceday2008.org to view messages or send one online from anywhere in the world.

The United Nations will send your messages to world leaders when they meet at the United Nations on 23 September!

Champion of the World!

2008-09-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe not champion of the world. But four days after my chemo treatment I played in a tennis tournament. Not just any tournament THE tennis tournament in Vegas. I made the finals and came in second both in Singles and in Doubles. No, I didn't get a nice silver platter just 5 X 7 plaques. And even though it just about did me under, (I am still exhausted and pulled a muscle in my leg), I proved to myself that I could make it through a match. In two weeks, I play in the Senior Olympics! First I have to talk the doctor into postponing my last chemo treatment by a week....I want to make sure I am fully ready to play and not feeling all week and crappy....she'll just have to understand. It's tennis afterall!

Wet Dream?

2008-09-06T17:13:00.000-07:00

What an experience! My lips first felt the tickling of the fuzz on the soft plump skin as my lips gently opened and my teeth tugged at the skin. Then biting into the moist flesh, I closed my eyes as my savory glands reacted with a start as the oh so tart sweetness exploded in my mouth. The juice dribbled down my chin and I had to quickly lean over to keep the liquid from dripping on my lap. Then more bites, sucking and slurping to try and catch every drop in my mouth, every succulent explosive amazing drop of juice and flesh. Oh, something like this truly only comes around every four or five years, the absolutely perfectly ripe peach! It gives a new meaning to wet dream!

After the peach this morning, (it truly was an oh-my-God-delicious peach), I got out my acrylics and did some quick paintings--three. A quick pot of flowers, a stem of star-gazer lilies and a crane. Here's my work. Unfortunately, not as full-filling as the fruit this morning! Should of painted a picture of the peach!

Celebrating What's Right With Our World

2008-09-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

(IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE READING, SKIP DOWN AND WATCH THE VIDEO IT'S AWESOME)
In searching for my zen garden, I have found moments of complete peace, usually in the mountains or walking on an uncrowded beach. Enjoying the moment and just being in the moment. I know it's the simple things in life that bring true joy. I know that, but those moments seem so few and far between sometimes. And then their are all the times I was just too busy to notice the beauty that was there all the time.

I love nature and if I could I would spend all my days in a small house with a beautiful garden where I could walk or ride a bike to every place I needed to go. Preferably in the mountains or near the ocean. I like to dream about that place. I know it's not in Vegas. Vegas is too fast paced, too chaotic. But Vegas is where my kids and grandkids live and there is the rub. But even without being in Vegas there is this incredible super fast world pace that keeps many of us too busy to slow down, to notice the world around us, or even our family and neighbors. We are just too busy.

The fast pace of our world makes it incredibly difficult to find our own individual Nirvan where one could live with less and to quiet the constant chaos of our minds. We hear a lot these days about how to "Simplify" our lives, but what does that mean really? To me it means:

** A way to live lightly on the earth, leaving a very small footprint on our earthly mother.
** A slower-paced way of living and living in the moment.
** A way to live with less but creating more choices in life, more than just working and sleeping, enjoying the living.
** Finding what's right and working in every situation.

It may seem difficult to give up many of what we consider luxuries, but maybe the path to simplify our lives starts with a first small step. Along with that thought I want to comment on living in the moment as that step. We pride ourselves on being multi-taskers. I am the epitome of a multi-tasker and have climbed the professional ladder by being just such a go-getter. But, is that truly the best way to be? I truly think not. I think I want to change and be a mono-tasker! Let me share with you why.

I watched a motivational film a while back by a National Geographic photographer, Dewitt Jones, who was sent to Scotland to take pictures of this very old lady who was a national treasurer as an accomplished weaver. She lived very simply and humbly and when he asked her what she thought about when she was weaving she answered, "I wonder if I'll run out of thread." Not exactly the answer he was expecting from this wonderful sage. She continued, "when I weave, I weave."

I highly, highly recommend you watch this inspirational video Celebrate What's Right With The World

This video talks about seeing what is right, appreciating the moments we are given, living in the moment. To truly be in the moment, to have our full attention in the moment requires a slowing down, it requires respect to the importance of all that we do, who we are with and where we are at any given moment. It's listening with an attentive ear instead of thinking of a response. It's seeing what is right. It's believing you will see what what is right and good, instead of always looking for what is wrong or not working.

My mind is usually going 1000 miles an hour, jumping from one idea to another, thinking of what next needs to be accomplished instead of doing my best with whatever I am doing at the moment.

But for today, I will try and slow my thoughts, slow my pace, seize the moment, celebrate what's right in my world, with gratitude and grace, simply and with out ego. Now how simple is that?

Year of the Pissy Piss Ant

2008-09-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

I believe in Karma. I am a pretty positive person. No matter how bad it gets, I know all will turn out well because after all I am a nice person and surely have a store somewhere of some good Karma.

This has been a very rough year for me starting with New Year's Day. A day I woke up feeling that the year held so much promise and really excited for what the new year held for my husband and I. But those thoughts and plans were all squashed before even getting out of bed. More things came down the pike and I kept trying to bounce with the punches from personal life to my work life, but the punches kept coming, one knock down after the other.

Finally, in June I was hit the toughest blow of all. It appeared I may have ovarian cancer. In my ever positive mind, I didn't accept that diagnosis, I decided not to worry about it until it was proven so. No use worrying about something that might not even be there. It was when I had my surgery in July that it was proven so.

I am positive, but sometimes that doesn't change the facts. The chemo sucks, it makes me sick and my body ache and I look in the mirror and see a scary bald person. I hate the days that I am confined to bed and most of all I hate being alone, because as much as I am fighting this and it will not get the best of me, there are days that are hard, days that I am afraid. I don't like to admit that, but that's just the way it is. Yea, I know, it's the struggle that's life. Well, you can just screw that philosophy!

For several of my blogger friends this has been a tough year as well. No luck at all. So, I am calling this the year of the Pissy Piss Ant! A year biting us with bad luck. We need some better Karma! Where's all my good Karma? I want it now!

One of the seven lucky gods of Japan, the Laughing Buddha is the god of happiness, contentment, abundance, and wealth. Rubbing his big, round belly is believed to bring good luck.

I need one of these. I'm not sure if his happy face would bring comfort and peace, or if it would eventually seem to be mocking..."yea, rub my belly, go ahead, keep doing it, fool!" Well, piss on you Buddha! No, I didn't really say that, that would really be bad Karma. Ommmm.

Peace Sign Turns 50!

2008-08-31T02:22:00.000-07:00

As the International Peace Day approaches I thought I would give a little tidbit of information about the most recognized symbol of peace--the peace sign which turned 50 this year!

Designed in 1958, by textile designer, Gerald Holtom, this widely recognized symbol signified Britain’s desire for nuclear disarmament. The peace symbol was brought to America by Bayard Rustin and quickly adopted by a growing civil rights movement dedicated to nonviolence. Over time, it had evolved from its association with nuclear disarmament to a symbol for counterculture. By the 1960’s the peace symbol was a symbol of free love and the hippies. The peace symbol has proven its endurance as a fixture in society. Today, as the arms race and war continue, the peace symbol is still visible at anti-war rallies and demonstrations...and on half of my t-shirts and on my school bus yellow Xterra!

Celebrate, promote whirlled peas, make love, not war.

Another one bites the dust

2008-08-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

Had my second chemo today. Another 7 hours of being filled with toxic chemicals that pretty much fry every cell good and bad. I left the house for the first time without a wig, just a hot pink bandana. Once again I read a little (Memoirs of a Geisha) and then promptly fell asleep for the remainder of the time. Good Times! GOOD PRE-DRUGS!

I'm on so much health food stuff to rebuild immunity, increase energy, take care of nausea, build muscle tissue and stuff for bone pains. I am set and ready to kick some chemo/cancer ass! This girl is not going down! C'mon, bring it on! Just let me take a quick nap first, okay!

Here's a picture of me with hair with my very cute hippie husband, Beni. As I hope you can see from the picture, the girl here is very stubborn and persistent, doesn't ever give up and I'm not starting now!

Hair or Tennis?

2008-08-25T23:51:00.000-07:00

With my second chemo treatment looming this week, and several doctor appointments to make sure I have enough blood cells to kill off, I had to leave the Mamma Mia! tour and fly back to Vegas. That is where I am now, home sitting on my bed with my laptop and trying to grasp what I am feeling.

My hair has been thinning each day since last Wednesday, but tonight in the shower it was coming out in handfuls. Wet gobs of hair. I stayed in the shower letting the hot water spray my body and knew this was it now, that I couldn't imagine it was going to be a pretty sight. I wondered how much had come out, what would I look like when I looked in the mirror. I had visions of big bald patches and whispy strands of hair sticking out here and there. Scary. I wasn't in a hurry to find out. I wondered how long I could stay in the shower before the hot water ran out.

I didn't get emotional, I didn't cry, I just kept grabbing wet gobs of hair and wadding it into a ball to place on the edge of the tub. Okay this is it, what I had been dreading.

I decided I couldn't stay in the shower forever, I just needed to face it, get it over with and deal with it. I turned the water off and slid the shower curtain open with a determination to be strong and face this new me. I looked in the mirror and it was frosted with steam. I was thankful for the blurred image. A slight reprieve. I took my towel and wiped a circle clean and saw whispy hairs here and there and a nice bald spot on top. I stared at myself for a long while and realized that at this point I had two choices. Hang on to every strand for as long as I could and deal with the irritation of the stray hairs that continued to shed, or whack it short and prepare for the eventual shave. I run my fingers through what's left, open the drawer and grab the sissors. I pulled up hair and cut the remaining hairs to an inch of my head. I stare at my reflection for a while to get a feel for this new image. Not so bad.

I keep thinking I should be feeling really depressed about this, but I'm not. I had a great day today and this evening I was back out on the tennis court with my team for the first time in 7 weeks. It felt great running around and smacking balls. Given the choice, I'd pick tennis over hair any day. I think I need to find a cute hat. A tennis hat! Yea, it's not so terribly bad after all, just another day in the life! And life is what it is all about....the living, not the whining!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2008-08-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

It has started. A few hairs here, a few hairs there, falling gently on my shoulders, getting caught in my fingers as I run my fingers through my hair, or catching on the brush. I wonder if it just continues a few at a time or escalates to clumps on the pillow? It got me wondering if I will wake up in the morning (or one morning soon) sans hair, and if so, what will I look like without my flowing tresses? Actually, I have already cut my flowing tresses to a short bob in preparation of 'the fall.' How bad can it be? Thanks to Photoshop I can have a preview and prepare myself for what may await me one morning soon. Hmmm. Thank heavens I bought a hat while in DisneyWorld last week! Who loves ya baby and where's my lollipop?

Hurricane Fay...I'm there!

2008-08-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

We jumped on the Mamma Mia bus (yea, they go by bus when it's a short trip) this morning and headed to Tampa. Yep, Tampa, Florida where Hurricane Fay is supposed to hit tomorrow. Announcements were made to "be prepared." Be prepared? I live in the desert. I don't know nothing about birthing babies or hurricanes! They are giving weather updates on almost every channel every 10 minutes. I wasn't really worried a few days ago, because I knew they were giving all these updates. But now, as tomorrow is looming, I started paying more attention. The news is showing that they are requesting recommended evacuations tonight in 'Level A' and mandatory evacuations tomorrow morning. Okay, that's good, if I had a effing clue where the hell level A" was!!! I just know I am in Tampa!

So, I move online. The site gives updated info, but also gives a cool demonstration in photos on the damage done by the various levels of a hurricane. Check out level 1 and then level 5. I shouldn't have laughed, I know, but for some reason, I thought it was pretty funny.

The Local News shows lists of schools That will be closed tomorrow... by counties, again, means nothing to this wild west, desert-dwelling girl.

We just get a call, the Mamma Mia tour has canceled their show for tomorrow, now that I know. The theatre's right across the street! Maybe I should go find a flashlight and some water....a couple of candy bars, beer?

added tuesday am: all is well. fay entered land way south of tampa and all we may see is some "scattered squalls." Dang, I was so wanting to see a cow fly by or a surfer dude.

MAMMA MIA!

2008-08-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

Okay! Alright already! Yes, I am fine. Just have been unable to connect to the internet....seems like my new life line! I have joined the hubs on tour with Mamma Mia! We have been having a wonderful time in Orlando and then go to Tampa on Monday, hopefully where we will be in the real world with internet connections! I am currently sitting backstage of Mama Mia! trying to catch up on email and blogs. How cool is that? All is well, all is well!

Don't Take That Picture!

2008-08-09T16:54:00.000-07:00

Did you know it's against the law to get within 75 feet or yards, not sure, of an abandoned seal? They can put you in jail for that! I found out the hard way when I saw what I thought was a dead baby seal pup and went to take a picture of it. It wasn't too much longer when some guy started to yell at me and telling me about the jail and so I left, said "sorry, thought it was dead!"

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!!!! I couldn't resist though because I just read this book called "The Year in Fog" And it starts out with a lady taking a picture of a dead seal pup (and it didn't mention anything about jail ) and the next thing you know her little girl vanishes. I wanted the picture to show my mom who also read the book and tell her I was afraid my hubs was going to vanish if I took the picture, he didn't but it was a close call.
Okay, okay, now I know, I won't ever do it again! I feel so guilty!:(

08/08/80

2008-08-08T20:58:00.000-07:00

A day to remember. Yes. it is the opening of the Beijing Olympics, but today was a milestone for me as my first Chemo treatment. I got to the hospital at 8:30am and was out at 3:30pm. 6 hours. The good thing is that with all the stuff they give you to keep you from having an allergic reaction or to prevent nausea, I fell asleep after about 20 minutes and didn't wake up again until it was over. Nice comfy chairs, a blanket to cover up with I snuggled in and let them pump me full of whatever they wanted to. My hubs and I played one game of cribbage, (I won)and then I sent him on his way. No reason for him to sit and watch me sleep. He was there when I woke back up and that was pretty sweet.

What I didn't like was all the other people who slowly filled the room as the morning progressed. I didn't like the idea of people looking at me and thinking "poor girl" and I didn't want to be looking at sickly cancer patients either. One was a chemo patient like me, but most of the others were getting blood transfusions...YUCKY. didn't like to be seeing all those bags of blood, it really grossed me out. Probably because I just read the script for a new musical--Dracula, so I had visions of blood in my head already.

But, it is now a little after 9Pm I have drank a large containter of Gatorade and ate some broth with noodles, ate a coconut ice cream bar, and am feeling a little tired but for the most part damn fine! I see how the night and the next couple of days goes. They are to be the toughest.

Less Gas, More Ass!

2008-08-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

Today, the annual World Naked Bike Ride takes place in St. Louis. The WNBR has been taking place across the world for many years and unfortunately, I haven't participated. I really love the body art, don't you?

The Objectives of the WNBR are:
* To protest oil dependency
* To promote comfortable body image
* To increase awareness of cyclists in a motor-driven world
* To provide exercise and fun for all those who participate

(added note: if the video doesn't play,I'm sorry. This is the third one I have put on, apparently someone complains and it keeps getting pulled, so if it doesn't play just picture a bunch of naked people riding bikes down the street. That's pretty much what it was!)

I was thinking Las Vegas seems like the all time perfect place to host the WNBR, but then I don't know if there would be enough aloe vera to take care of all those sun-blistered butts after the race!!! Now this is an activity I can really get behind, um, no pun intended!

Today also starts the 50 day countdown to INTERNATIONAL PEACE DAY! Peace and Love everybody! Peace and Love!

Rembering Randy Paush

2008-08-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

On July 25, Randy Pausch died of Pancreatic Cancer. Last year I was sent an email with an attachment of an abbreviated version of his Last Lecture. If you haven't seen this please take a moment and watch, it's about 10 minutes. There are life lessons for all of us. I have always been a pretty positive person, but this video confirmed in me, that we really need to have fun in this life and stop complaining about the cards we are dealt. It inspired me then, it has helped me keep a positive focus this past month, and I hope you will like it too.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Hood!

2008-07-31T17:01:00.000-07:00

THREE! Can you say three? Three is a very good number and the number I was given for chemo treatments, better than six, eight, ten or twelve! I still lose my hair, oh well, can't cry about that! Went today and bought two wigs. One long, one short. One called Nona, (like the song: Nona, N-O-N-A, Nona! Oh, no that was Lola, okay it isn't like the song!) the other Alexia. The color: Spring Honey see the short wig below. They are from the Rachel Welch collection. I looked for some silicone boobies in the boxes but there were only the wigs. One can always hope and dream, damn it!

I Will Survive!

2008-07-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I visit the oncologist to get all the details about starting my chemotherapy treatments. Actually, I have found out that what I will be getting is pretty much just plutonium, isn't that what they make bombs out of? So, I have my list of questions, such as "Will I explode?" "How long before my hair falls out?" "When can we have sex again?" "How many medications will you give me to forget all the crap that's happening to my body?" "Does this qualify for medicinal pot?" "When can we have sex again?" Oh, yea, asked that one already.

Well, I am pumped up and ready to kick some cancer ass! To everyone out in blogland I have three words: "I Will Survive!" However, I am not so certain they have been totally honest about all the side effects...

The New Engagement Ring? Say What?

2008-07-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

I just have to post this. I was listening to public radio yesterday and they had some young couples on who were talking about relationships and stated that an engagement ring isn't what it used to be. That now, to show a girl/guy you are committed to them and want an exclusive relationship with them and show you trust them, you have sex without a condom. That's right Sex Without a Condom, the new engagement ring! Now isn't that romantic?

The Magic of Watercolors

2008-07-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

I decided to start my art journal yesterday. I got out my watercolors that have been pretty much abandoned since my insomnia picture days. That's when I first started painting, that is painting other than the scenic art I have done in the theatre. It was about 7 years ago, I found myself alone for the first time in my life. I would wake up at 1 or 2AM and couldn't sleep, so very alone and so afraid. I decided if I was going to be up for 3 and 4 hours in the middle of the night I needed to do something productive.

And so I painted. Every fear would vanish for those hours. I didn't have one clue how to paint I just painted. Some were good, some not so good. Lots of ocean scenes, actually tons of ocean scenes. It was calming and very soothing. When I needed it the most they brought some solice to my life and some small bit of sanity to a completely fractured soul.

Eventually, six months later, my life got back on track, and the paints and the paintings were put on a shelf in a cabinet, and I had pretty much forgotten all about them. Through the years that followed I started painting with acrylics, I started beading and pretty much abandoned the watercolors, too much trouble, too hard to control.

It seemed right somehow to pull them out to start the journal. I need to see the vibrant colors that emerge off the bristles of the brush and spread across the wet paper. I need that hope. I need the fear to vanish even if for a little while.

And so I pull out the watercolors and it comes to me as the blue spreads across the paper. You are strong. Yes, I am. Just have faith. I will. Believe in yourself. Believe in your dreams. They are still there. You are still here. Yes I am.

There is faith and hope in those tubes and somehow I instinctively knew there was also a soothing power as well. I can tell right away, that it's been much too long since I sqeezed the paint on the palate, dipped the brush in the water and put the paint to paper. But that's okay, it sends me a message even in its mediocrity that embraces my scared being letting me know everything will be okay.

Old Hippies for Peace

2008-07-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

I had my dear Beni (hubby) get me out of the house this morning, we drove over to my Mom and Dad's house for a change of scenery. It turned into me being put to task by my mom when I told her I wasn't feeling good. Of course, I was doing too much and I need to quit going to the store and shopping (I went to Michaels for 5 minutes-Oh, and Sunflower Market 10 minutes) so she is already to start bringing in the casseroles again. I can't complain really, because she made my favorite squash casserole when I came home from the hospital among many others. I love you mom!

Anyway, just needed to get out of the house was feeling punky. On the way back home we had a guy pull up and signal to roll down our window. "I like your bumber sticker! I'm an old hippie, too!" "Aren't we all" says Beni. I smile. I love driving around in my sunflower yellow Nisson Xterra. I know Beni hates it, even though I have tried to convince him it is much smaller and better on gas than my old SUV. He would have me in a Prius. You need to understand he walks or rides a bike. I'm more of a jeep sorta girl and need something that can pull my tent trailer. I'm a girl with NEEDS!

Anyway you have to picture the bright yellow Nisson with a paddedd green peace sign on the grill and several Peace bumper stickers and deadhead dancing bears on the back. It's a happy car. I get homeless people that hold up a peace hand sign when I drive by and a big smile. Makes me feel good to make people smile. And I always get these old guys pulling up besides me and signaling me to open my window, and everytime I think I have cut them off and they are going to yell at me. Instead, it's always, "I like your stickers!" Me too. Peace and Love!

Note: Check out my June 2007 post for more of my stickers and the old and new SUV.

It's Monsoon Season

2008-07-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

It's monsoon season in Vegas. The winds start blowing in the afternoon, the clouds tumble in, thunder and lightening roars and crackles across the sky, the smell of rain permeates the air and then the flood gates open. It's weird though, because it doesn't rain over the entire city, different sections get hit. We only have had sprinkles and yet other parts of town are flooded. But the end result leaves the air cool and smelling fresh and clean, a nice reprieve from the smog filled oven of our Vegas summer days. It reminds me of camping on the Oregon Coast. I wish I could be there now without a care in the world. My mind free from all the confusion and fear that currently has taken up residency.

People ask me how I feel. I don't know how to honestly answer that. Physically? I'm sore, sometimes in a lot of pain but doing well. Mentally? Okay. Afraid of what is ahead of me with the chemo. Emotionally? I feel like a monsoon is inside of me and the floodgates are going to open any minute and the tears are going to pour out. My womb is gone. I feel empty. It protected and fed four babies. It was my last connection to a very special, intimate time. It was what made me a woman. It's gone. I keep thinking of this ugly alien invader that somehow managed to attack my body and I didn't even know it was there. It stole something precious to me. I didn't expect to feel this way. But I do. How can I explain that to people who ask how I feel?

I now understand exactly these lyrics of Eleanor Rigby..."wearing the face that she keeps in the jar by the door." I have had to grab that face put it on, smile, pretend.

So whenever anyone asks I just say, "I feel great. Getting better each day."

I remember how very lucky I am. My gynecologist called me a couple of days ago and and said I must have a really great guardian angel, because for the type of tumor and how advanced it was for it to have not spread was truly a miracle. I am a lucky girl. That's what I will try and concentrate on. I just wish I could go to the beach watch the waves roll in, see the seagulls soar, hear the kids laughing and splashing in the water and not have to think about what the next few months has in store for me. I want to feel the warm sun and the cool salt air on my body. I want to run on the beach and splash in the water, I want to fly my kites and get the string all tangled and spend hours untangling it. I want to play my guitar around the camp fire. I want to sing and laugh. I want to run and feel strong.

Instead my mind wanders to the hospital, sitting 5 hours with an IV that will slowly drip poison into my body. It will kill the bad cells. It will kill the good cells. It will make me sick. I will lose my hair. There will be pain. There will probably be tears and some self-pity. But it will not get the best of me. Because I am going to kick this things ass! Chew it up and puke it out!

I know, like the monsoons, it may be a terrible storm, but it will pass. But you know, I just can't help it that I am a little scared. I have always hated the wind blowing at night, and that is what this feels like, dark and scary.

Blahg Revolution!

2008-07-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

Three cheers for BlahgHer! Thank you V-Grrrl for your inspiration on so many levels.
I am inspired! It's been just one week since I was released from the hospital for my Ovarian Cancer surgery and I decided that my recovery would be a time of growth and not one of self-pity, or being a whiny ass about being hit with this disease. I am convinced that this cancer was the result of a much stress-filled life. I know I am the only one who can rid myself of the demands of this stress that seems to follow me in whatever I am doing. It must stop. How can I use my time away from work (and housework) as a learning and growing experience? I decided I would dive in to as many of my art hobbies as possible. Bring them out of the closet so to speak. Stop stressing and start creating.

With that said, I am so excited about having time to work on stuff I have started and stuffed into closets or under the bed and really try and develop my talents! I'm not going to worry about how good they are, just that it brings me great joy in the creating. It gives me the opportunity to try and capture a small glimpse of Brenda on the inside and throw it out there for all to see, good or bad. I know I would rather improve on my limited abilities in a variety of areas, instead of trying to be an expert in one given area. So, for now, I will bounce around to what the day moves me to do, whether it be the challenge of working with watercolors, the joy of blending acrylics, the capturing of a moment in time in photography, or just the satisfaction of accomplishment I get from beading or crocheting.

Not mastering any of these arts used to leave me with a great sense of inadequacy. After reading V-grrrl and tracking down the book "Journal Revolution" which really encourages one to just do it, whatever "it" is and enjoy the expression of one's self, has given me a new courage to start anew.

I'm so jazzed about this wonderful book: "Journal Revolution: Rise Up & Create! Art Journals, Personal Manifestos and Other Artistic Insurrections" by Linda Woods and Karen Dinino. It encourages you to create your art no matter the media, let it come from within to be an expression of who you are and what you are feeling. It was so liberating! I truly paint for myself enjoyment so who cares that it isn't perfect?

I realize I need to stop being the critic. The learning is in the mistakes and I need to learn to appreciate the mistakes for what they are. Many times it's the accidents that are the best part of a piece. Yet, being a perfectionist is the character trait (flaw) that is my greatest barrier in developing my art. Much of my work shown here is unfinished, pieces started and left for another day, many needing the highlights and shadows to complete but me feeling hesitant on where to start. Well, now the time has come to just do it! Yea! I am free to just be me!

I'm Not Dead Yet!

2008-07-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, July 8, the day after my TAH BSO surgery(Total Abdominal Hysterectomy Bilateral Salpingo-Oopherectomy), the doctor came in and told me "it was cancer."

It all started in Austin. I was presenting at a conference and the day before I was to come home was hit with horrible nausea and stomach pains. Okay, I was eating at every Mexican restaurant I could find, some were real hole-in-the-wall places, so I assumed I had food poisoning. When I flew home the next day still in so much pain, I landed and went straight to the ER. They thought it was my appendix, the CT scan showed a pelvic mass. WHAT?

The next month was a blur of doctor visits, referrals, blood tests and setting a date for surgery, June 7, 10AM. I had always gone for all my check ups. I had a pea size cyst on my ovary at last check up. So, probably just a cyst. Nothing to worry about. And I am not a worrier, so I believed I would have the hysterectomy, 6 weeks to recover work on my art and other projects and that would be it. But the doctor blew that image to smitherines with her "cancer" statement. Am I in shock? I don't know, I took it pretty well I think. She tells me lymph nodes and the omentum (what the heck is that and do I need it?) were removed. We will know more when the test results come back. So I wait a week.

July 15, I go to have the staples removed and get the results of the biopsies. I have been pretty calm all week. All my research indicates Ovarian cancer isn't usually discovered until the later stages. I hope I am in the 15% of those in the early stages and will have a good chance of survival. I can't believe I would survive my near drowning last summer to be hit with this now. I tell myself I've always been pretty lucky. The doctor tells me all lymph nodes were negative. All tissue tested--negative. By the time I had the surgery the tumor was the size of a cantaloupe and was attached to my bowel, rectum and uterus. It ruptured during the surgery which really grosses me out to think about all that gunk inside, but doctor assures me I was completely washed clean. I will have chemo. I will most likely lose my hair. Hair grows back, I don't care about my hair. I am excited that I won't have to shave my legs and will be getting a free Brazilian! How cool is that? I am thrilled it is stage I. I am very lucky.

The doctor is classifying the cancer as Stage 1 c. Which is really good because most Ovarian Cancer isn't diagnosed until stage III when the success rate isn't very good. They haven't determined the type of ovarian cancer and I am still waiting for the results of that, but hopefully the Stage I will remain the classification.

Here's a picture of my staples and then after they were removed two days ago and the steri-strips attached. I'm a little concerned about the weirdness of my belly button! Oh well! I know you can't tell because of the swelling of my stomach, but after four kids, I had NO stretch marks at all. I know I shouldn't be upset about the scar. But I am.

I have now been out of the hospital a week, and will start chemotherapy in the beginning of August. Very strange that I about drown last summer only to be hit with one of the deadliest cancers for women this summer, in an early stage that is still treatable. I must have a tremendous guardian angel looking out for me.

For now I am researching all I can, trying to find how to ease the side effects of the chemo, how to try and build up my body prior to the treatments, how to beat this thing and get back to my tennis, back to normal whatever that is.

My theme song for now is from Spamalot: "I am not dead yet, I can sing and I can dance, no need to call the doctor cuz I'm not yet dead!" I had it on my cell phone while in the hospital, drove the doctors and nurses crazy!

I will be off work for at least 8 weeks I will have plenty of time to start blogging again and getting back in touch with my blog friends who must have thought I had already jumped off the face of the earth! For now anyway, I am still hanging on and I'm not dead yet!

Run River Run

2007-10-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

My advice to anyone thinking whitewater rafting in a ducky (inflatable kayak) would be fun....DON'T DO IT!

I have done a little bit of whitewater rafting on the Rogue River in Oregon. Almost every year. Not hard core but II's and III's and depending on the flow of the river, sometimes even a IV. Never was I thrown from the raft. Never did I feel afraid.

When in Colorado this summer in a great little historic town, Salida, which is near the Arkansas River and home to many rafting companies, the hubs and I decide to go whitewater rafting. Sounded fun. On the day of, he decides it would be fun to go in the duckies. Now, I am always up for adventure and even though I wasn't keen on the idea, being the trooper I always am, said okay.

That was the first mistake. However, the number one thing I did that day was something I had never done in any of my rafting trips. And that was to have a guide. Don't ask me why.

The guide goes over the if you flip, fold your arms keep your feet up and ride it out drill and we were soon on our way. The first rapid was classified as a III-IV, Hubs becomes a swimmer and I however, make it over the small fall and felt pretty triumphant. We go a little further in II-III level rapids and it's a little scary but I'm doing good. The guide then has us get out and scope out the next one, Seidels Suckhole and Twin Falls. Did I say we had two guides? A guy and a girl. The girl decides she isn't going to run it and would wait and have the guy come back and help her carry her kayak around the river to where we would be waiting.Ummmm, shouldn't that have been a clue that the novices shouldn't run it either?

Okay, so that was the plan. Follow the guide. Number one take the falls at the far left then the far right, NOT DIRECTLY OVER THE FALLS. That's really not an easy thing to do when the river is running as fast as it was. I make it through the suckhole, meanwhile, the hubs is a swimmer again and rides around the falls (excellent choice) catches up to the duckie gets back in and the guide tells him to wait around the bend for us to catch up.

My turn on the falls. I try and follow the path the guide took and make the far left side of the first fall just as he does, but the second one I can't paddle hard enough to get to the right. I see I am going over and paddle hard to straighten up and take it head on as that was my only shot. Right over I go, perfect. Until the big back wash and splash at the bottom tosses me out like a paper doll. Unfortunately, I landed in deep water with the backwash pounding me down under the water even with my life jacket on. I am doing everything I can to try and push myself up out of the water, but when I can get my head up there is so much splash that I'm just sucking in water and then pushed down under again. This goes on for several minutes and I realized I wasn't going to make it out. I was trying everything I could to push myself out of the backwash so the current could take me downriver, but couldn't get out of the hole I was in. I was ready to give up, but told myself to just keep trying don't give up. I was thinking how upset my daughter was going to be when she found out. We were supposed to be to her house the next day.

Meanwhile, the guide sees me fly and the raft go down river and thinks I did too. He paddles over to get my raft and oar and realizes he can't see me. He thinks I have gone around the bend where the hubs is hanging out. He said out of the corner of his eye he saw the top of the red helmet for a second shoot up and then disappear. He quickly got out with his kayak and got up above me and ran that portion of the river again and was able to get close to me. I popped up just at the right moment to see his yellow kayak and grabbed on. He is yelling at me to swim and kick my feet. But I am so fatigued it is all I can do to hang on. He then tells me I have to let go or I am going to flip him when he goes over the next small rapid. I look down river and know I don't have anything left in me to swim. I then see a big rock and know I would have to grab it on the side and hope it wasn't to slippery, or that I didn't get caught under it. I let go in time to grab the rock. I can't tell you how great it was to cough and choke and breathe in air and hold that rock. I held on for about 15 minutes trying to figure out if I could let go and make the swim downstream that I needed to make through the rest of this section of rapids.

I decided to pull myself up over the rock and climb a series of big rocks to get to the side of the river. So, up and over I went and around to where the guide was waiting for me. I then got in the duckie knowing the only way out was down the river.

So, there is the hubs waiting on the side of the river around the bend in a nice little shallow pool. I was a little pissed that he didn't realize that something was wrong when we weren't coming down the river. "Yea, I was a little worried, but I couldn't get back to see what was going on."

I almost drowned. I had to be rescued!

I'm still a little pissed about that!

So, then when that adventure is over and we are in the van being shuttled back into town, I realize my knee, shins and arms are killing me. I look over myself and I am nothing but bruises with a knee swollen up like crazy. I guess I was being pouned into the rocks and didn't even feel it. Thank heavens I didn't feel it, or I am sure I would have quite given up.

I have since found out that 5 people had drowned this summer, more than they ever had. I am counting myself lucky that I wasn't number 6!

Long Time Away!

2007-09-14T17:10:00.001-07:00

Things have just been too, too hectic! Yea, I know, welcome to the club. I can't believe it has been a month, though since I have been on my blog, or anyone else's for that matter. I have lot's of stories from my trip to Colorado, the most exciting was I almost drowned and had to be rescued! I truly thought I was a goner. Quite the experience.

I am now up at the Mountains with my tent trailer commuting back and forth to work. I've been up there the last 3 weeks and loving it. Long drive into work, but the cool mountains breezes and the million star night skies have made it worth it.

Meanwhile, I found this picture of me and my hubby and thought it was pretty cute. He is beardless now and hair longer, so is looking more the hippie than the lumber jack of this picture. Peace! And I'll do better once I am down from the mountain.

Peeks at Vacation Photos

2007-08-14T16:49:00.001-07:00

My oldest and I waiting for the others to catch up with us at Burney Falls. This is always a stopping point for lunch and an ice cream cone!

Rafting the Rogue.

Love to pick the Blackberries! These were for the dutch oven Blackberry cobbler complete with HOMEMADE Ice Cream!

Beautiful Harris Beach.

Watching the Pelicans dive for the fish was awesome.

My Grandson just couldn't handle this much fun!

Sunset on the last night.

Where Have I Been?

2007-08-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

Gee Wizardry! Where have I been?

Reading Harry Potter and almost finished.

Creating a workshop presentation for the college's HR department, developing the presentation and most of the materials. That has been my day and night work for the past 2 weeks. I haven't even been able to read any blogs or catch up with any of my blog friends. However, we did the presentation yesterday and now that is done.

I now have one day to catch up on my real job duties, get all in order before heading off to Oregon tomorrow. So, still a little hectic and lots to do when I get home tonight, like laundry, open up the tent trailer clean it out, pack it up, wash the car, pack my bags, water all the plants so hopefully they won't die while I am gone. I am dreaming here, unless it rains the entire time I am away, they most likely will all be fried!

VACATION!!! Oh, Yea! The real bummer is my hubby doesn't like camping and decided to take a gig out of town and not go. Big fight/discussion followed. My son, the oldest of my kids (31) and my grandson (7) will be driving up with me. My two younger daughters will be driving up on Sunday. On Monday we will all go white water rafting. Tuesday we drive to Brookings Oregon. My most favorite place in the world. (Well, not counting Italy!) Then return to Vegas and hella heat on Sunday.

Peace and Love to all and I will be back in a week.

Counting the Days

2007-07-16T23:31:00.000-07:00

At this posting, 4 days, 5 minutes and 43 seconds until the release of the final Harry Potter book 7! EGad!

I have to admit it. I am a huge Harry Potter fan. Perhaps that I used to be a 2nd grade teacher prior to getting my theatre gig has something to do with my love for kids books. But, truly, this is more for adults! I am one of THOSE people who dress up and go to Borders, first in line to get a ticket for the book. Then anxiously waiting until the stroke of midnight before they are handed out. Oh sure, I could pre-order online. And in fact, I have already done that. But, it isn't as exciting.

I have my costume all ready for the big night. It is my version of Professor McGonagall, the strict Transfiguration teacher. I am thinking of taking my grandson, but not sure if he can stay up that late and he'll need a costume.....hmmm. There is time to figure that out. I have been checking out the fan sites, reading some of the theories regarding the final outcome. Here is some info from Muggles.net:

Character Information

* We will find out something "incredibly important" about Lily Potter.
* R.A.B's identity will be revealed.
* We will discover more about Dumbledore's past.
* We will learn with whom Snape's loyalties lie.
* Something will be revealed about Petunia Dursley, although we already know that she is not a Squib.
* Viktor Krum will return (World Book Day, 2004 interview).
* We will see a reappearance of Dolores Umbridge: "It's too much fun to torture her not to have another little bit more before I finish." (MuggleNet/Leaky Interview)
* JKR has said "There is a character who does manage, in desperate circumstances, to do magic quite late in life, but that is very rare..."

Plot Information

* Harry will face Voldemort for the final time.
* Harry will be attempting to find and destroy Voldemort’s remaining Horcruxes.
* Harry will return to the Dursleys' during the school vacation, but the magical protection Dumbledore arranged will expire when Harry comes of age on his 17th birthday.
* Harry will go to Godric's Hollow.
* The two-way mirror will make a reappearance.
* Fleur and Bill's wedding will occur.li>
* The fact that Harry "has his mother's eyes" will prove to be an important plot point.
* At least one character will die.

Other

* The last word is expected to be "scar," but may change.
* We will learn the exact reason why some people become ghosts when they die and others do not.
* The final chapter, which has already been written, will detail what happens to the surviving characters.
* There will be no more Quidditch matches

Now, how many others will admit they are on pins and needles, just as I am, awaiting the big night?

Just for a Second

2007-07-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing what we take for granted each day? Time and life just flys by with us rushing here and there trying to be all to everyone and how much of what we really do is truly important? How many times do we neglect those who are most important to finish something not finished at work, do some committee work? How many times do we not have time to see the test brought home with pride with the "A" or listen to what our kids want to tell us that happened to them that day, or even say "I love you?"

My mom calls me the other day to tell me of a friend of ours, a little younger than me. Her 22 and 8 year old daughters were killed in a car accident. Their two cousins 4 and 5 had seat belts on and were not seriously injured. The younger girl had taken off her seat belts just for a moment to try and fix a cord that had come undone to the game thing the younger kids were playing. She couldn't get it. The older one who was driving undid hers to try and reach back and fix it. Just a moment, veered off the road, over corrected and flipped 7 times.

The parents had been traveling ahead of them. The highway patrol had found the oldest's cell phone and dialed "mom." "Your daugther's been in a accident....." They turned around and drove back to the accident. They were already gone in the few minutes it took them to drive back.

I know my first thought probably would have been, "did I tell them I loved them this morning?" I can only imagine all the other things that would fly through my head, forever.

My sister talked with the mom yesterday. She says she doesn't know what to do with her hands. Fixing their breakfast, making their beds, folding their clothes, braiding their hair. Just doesn't know what to do with her hands.

We take so much for granted. In a second it can all be gone, that which is most precious, that which is the only thing that matters to us at all.

Hug your kids, tell them you love them. Tell them to keep their seat belts on no matter what. Don't undo it. Not even for a second.

2007-07-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I have been commuting from Mount Charleston and loving the cool mountain weather. It's a little bit of a drive, but well worth it considering the heat factor in town. I have had a crazy week, thinking I was to have a nice relaxing 5 days off in the mountains. It quickly turned into a hectic drive to Cedar City for a meeting regarding one of my productions that may be going through some major changes, which would negatively affect my budget for the program. To top it off, I didn't want to lose my spot up in the mountains so had to leave my vehicle up there and have my dear sweet hubby drive me. He has a motorcycle.

It's triple digits here, making a trip on the motorbike quite amazingly miserable. We left at 8:00pm and still was in the 100's. Ever ride on a bike for over 3 hours? Butt gets really sore, knees really want to just straighten out after about 30 minutes, and then the wind in your face, the HOT wind in your face. Quite the experience. I had put my hair in a ponytail thinking that would help keep it from getting too tangled. Wrong! Took me about an hour to brush through it and get all the tangles and knots out of it.

Fortunately, the weather in Cedar is much cooler and with the perks of my job, we got to see four great plays. USF has a Tony award winning regional theatre and is always great fun to attend the plays and participate in the seminars. Yes, this picture shows my favorite scene in Twelfth Night! What a hunk!

We drove back on the 4th, I was a little melancholy thinking about missing the fireworks. However, when we got to the Valley of Fire exit, which happens to be on an Indian reservation complete with a store that sells illegal fireworks, there were an amazing display being set off. We stopped and watched that and after an hour drove on in to town, making it back up to the mountain after midnight. Dirty and dead tired, but cool!

WHAT IS PEACE AND WHERE CAN I FIND IT? Or get me out of here quick!

2007-06-25T12:48:00.000-07:00

"The traditional political definition of peace and the very word itself originated among the ancient Romans who defined peace, pax, as absentia belli, the absence of war...the absence of violence"

Okay, I won't kill the cats.

...Mahatma Gandhi's conception of peace was not as an end, but as a means: "There is no way to peace; peace is the way. "

Great! I am supposed to find my own calm and tranquility amongst the chaos of my office, surrounded by Yuppies, two disgusting cats and the endless negative energy of the media. Where's the peace? Where's my Zen?

After two cats (that were brought into my home without my consent) destroyed the last of 12 plants, knocking over a iron screen with six potted plants with delicate ceramic pots and breaking the vase my daughter gave me, my stress level has reached a peak. To those around me I have remained a pillar standing serene, with a smallish smile painted across my face trapping all the expletives trying to escape. Inside an explosion is about to be detonated.

"...More generally, peace can pertain to an individual relative to her or his environment, as peaceful can describe calm, serenity, and silence. This latter understanding of peace can also pertain to an individual's sense of himself or herself, as to be "at peace" with one's self would indicate the same serenity, calm, and equilibrium within oneself..."

Oh shut up! I have found the road to peace, it is in my car with my tent trailer bouncing behind me up the road to the mountains while counting to one million and five!

Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

If only they were fish! FLUSH!

Phantom Las Vegas One Year!

2007-06-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

http://www.phantomlasvegas.com/

Okay, so yea I'm excited! Phantom is having their one-year anniversary celebration tonight for the cast and crew (and spouses!!) after the show. That means I must have a new outfit. Right?

These are usually great affairs, the opening night party was so, so cool. Andrew Lloyd Weber, oh excuse me, SIR Andrew Lloyd Weber and Hal Prince were there, plus many celebrities in attendance. This may not be as big as all that, but it will be great food, drinks, music and all in all pretty fancy smancy! So, new outfit!!

I probably should have been thinking about this way before tonight. But, gee with work, tennis, Father's Day, I sort of forgot about it until this morning when I was trying to figure out what to wear to work. Something about looking in the closet made me think "Oh, crap! What am I going to wear tonight?"

I made it to work by 8am so I could get off at 4pm and hit the mall. OOHH, I just remembered! My tennis team gave me a gift certificate for the mall. How cool is that? Okay, off at 4pm, 30 minutes to get to the mall, one hour to find the perfect ensemble, half hour to get home, hour to shower and get ready. Show starts at 7pm. Crap, that doesn't work. Hmmmmm. That means drive fast shop fast! Hmmmmm. If I skip lunch I could leave earlier.....NAW...couldn't ever skip lunch! Dang!

Shoes? I probably need new shoes too! And a bag! Why do girls love to dress up?

EDITED POST--5PM--STILL AT WORK--HUSBAND SICK--CRAP!

This One's For My Dad

2007-06-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

I know my Dad will probably never read this, but as it is almost Father's Day I have him on my mind. I know without a doubt I was given the best Dad in the universe. Never did a more unselfish man walk on this earth. My Dad turned 80 this year. Not a tremendous accomplishment in itself, many other men have turned 80 or more that is true. However, 10 years ago my Dad suffered a major heart attack. During surgery to put in a stent the Dr found that Dad had suffered a previous heart attack and because he didn't go to the hospital he had lost more that 40% of his heart. He also indicated he didn't think my Dad's condition was as bad as it was because Dad was conscious when the Dr. saw him in the Emergency room and after seeing the extent of the damage to his heart was surprised that he had been.

We all knew the reason that Dad didn't pass out was because he wouldn't ever want to do anything that would worry our Mom. A hero in her own right for winning a very tough battle with colon cancer.

My Dad quit school in the eighth grade, lied about his age so he could get a commercial drivers license and sent his money home to his family. Two years later he would be drafted into World War II because of that lie, as it appeared he was 18 but he was really only 16. When he went home and asked his dad to go with him to the draft board and explain that he really was only 16 his father wouldn't do it, telling him "That's what you get for lying." So he went to war.

He was on the front lines in Japan. He fought in muddy trenches. He saw friends blown apart. He caught malaria. He was just a boy. He doesn't talk about that experience much, but of the stories he will tell makes us realize that there were many horrors witnessed.

Dad was 23 when he married my Mom, just two days after she turned 16. This was 1950. They are still together. They are still in love. They still say "I love you" every night before turning off the lights and going to sleep.

I look at everything I have now, what I was able to provide my kids, all the luxuries. I think of my dad's family losing their farm in Oklahoma, driving west trying to reach other family in Oregon, but running out of money outside of Las Vegas in a small town called Searchlight. They found a cave to live in and his dad found work in a mine. In time they built a porch in front of the cave. His mom would sweep the dirt floors, it was their home for a long while. A cave.

My dad only has an eighth grade education. He impressed upon his four kids that education was so important. His older brothers all had college degrees. Dad was the baby and when the depression hit there wasn't the money to send him to school and so he quit to help support his family. He always felt like he was not as intelligent as his brothers or even us kids. He couldn't spell very well and was very self-conscious about that.

However, this same man built a brick house from the ground up. He did all the brick work. He put in all the plumbing. He did all the electrical work. He built the cabinets from scratch. He showed us how to ride a horse, how to feed it, take care of it, and all the responsibilities of having pets. We had horses, goats, rabbits, chickens, cats and dogs over the course of our childhood. He took care of all the maintenance on our cars from changing the oil to rebuilding the engines. He could figure out the angle of the trusses for a roof and the yardage needed in pouring concrete. He is smarter than anyone I know.

Dad's only concern has always been first for Mom and second for all of his kids. He always wanted us kids to have a new pair of shoes for school, because he remembered how embarassed he was going to school barefoot when his family couldn't afford them. He worked so we could live a better life, an easier life than he had. He went without many times so we didn't have to.

Dad took us camping and taught us how to fish and appreciate the great outdoors. He loves having his family around him. His greatest pride and joy is his kids and grandkids.

Dad is no longer the same strong hero that I have branded in my brain. The guy that could break a wild horse, build a house for his family, take virtually anything apart and put it back together again. His arms look weak and no longer show the strength of his many days of toil and hard labor. He is shorter by inches and walks slowly. His voice is soft and weak and sometimes I have to strain to hear him. But he always has a smile on his face, he still loves his kids and grandkid and great grandkids to be around him, and his still always says "I Love You", whenever we leave.

As with all of us, the days fly by, work and everything else seems to get in the way of taking the time out to stop by the house and see my parents. I know there aren't really too many days left to waste any chances to somehow pay back to this man all he has done in his life, for his family, for his friends.

I love you, Dad.

Always and Forever.

Dancin' Bears! What ???

2007-06-14T22:33:00.000-07:00

Any Grateful Dead fan, or even if you are not a fan but any aging hippie from the 60's and 70's (worth their salt or pot) would know that the Dancin' Bears are just for FUN! One of several symbols of the Dead---the rose, skelton, VW Bus, bumper stickers (Picture Whirled Peas!) are some other things associated with that group.

"The dancing bears symbolized the fun-loving aspect of the Grateful Dead and their fans. Over the years these bears have appeared on multi-colored bumper stickers, T-Shirts and posters.

The origin of the bear was taken from the Bob Thomas album art cover (Bear's Choice). The back cover of History of the Grateful Dead, vol 1 (recorded Feb 13 and 14, 1970) showed multi-colored marching bears. Bob's inspiration for the bear came from a 36 point lead slug of a generic bear that was a standardized figure from a printer's font box."

So there you have it! Straight from the Grateful Dead fan site!

Showing My Age--Bus Dead!

2007-06-09T21:14:00.000-07:00

I thought I wanted some cool decals for my new sunflower yellow Xterra. I came across this cool online site: http://www.purplemoon.com/Stickers/stickers.html

Lot's of peace signs, dancin' bears and other Grateful Dead standards.

This one I thought was way cool, called "Mother's Embrace."

I'm wondering if there is anyone in the audience that can relate to "Deadheads" and "Dancin' Bears?" If there are, Peace Out!

The Legend of Hippie Hollow

2007-06-06T16:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so my daughters have read my blog.

Daughter: "Mom, you didn't really go to a nude beach did you?"

Me: "Well, yes, I did."

Daughter: "Why would you want to go some place like that?"

Me: "Well, Hon, I wasn't really aware of what Hippie Hollow really was, nor did I know that there would be naked guys walking around with their weiner wangers hanging out." (Because if I did, I would have gone up there on the first day of my trip!)

Daughter: "You, didn't really see any nekked guys did you, Mom?"

Me: "Nay"

The Car is in the Driveway

2007-06-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, the deed is done. I cleaned out good old OTRA One Kanobi and drove my last drive with him (her?) to the car dealer. My nice and shiny very mellow yellow Nissan was waiting for me. Just had to sign a few gazillion papers, give them a few pints of blood, sign over the title for my faithful friend, gave them the keys and that was it. I only had one moment when I got misty-eyed and thought I was going to start SOBBING! "Think good thoughts" I told myself, "think camping trips, road trips, Sunday drives with Garrison Keiller."

I drove away, and never looked back. I did hide a card in the van with a note to the new owners letting them know his name. I mean I wouldn't want the car to get all confused if someone was telling it to "Come on Nellie, get going." I also told them that it drives much better after being washed!

It's a little strange, I can't find the door handle, or the window buttons, the AC, but I think we got along just superbly for our first day together. And she looks so very cute in the driveway. It's for sure the brightest car on the street.

Farewell OTRA One Kanobi!

2007-06-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

The car dilemma continues. My dear husband is now giving in and letting me get the SUV I prefer over the one he had researched and found to be acceptable by all Consumer Reports standards. Mine is recommended wth the only check mark being fuel economy. This is a BIG DEAL with my sweetie. I do understand that this means I will spend more money a year in gas. I should be feeling guilty, I do a little, but hey, okay, I'll skip lunch one day a week, won't that make up the difference?

I was getting really excited about the new car, as of tonight that would be a sunflower yellow Nissan Xterra, but then I started thinking about cleaning out the stuff from the Safari van. The van that had taken the kids and I safely to and from Oregon on many, many camping trips. It's taken me to many places to hike or to just sit and ponder my existence. A zillion trips to Tonopah the middle of nowhere Nevada to attend State PTA meetings. And up to Caliente, to cut Christmas trees and haul them back. It's been a faithful friend. And then there is all the sentimental attachment.

It's almost as if I could hear the kids laughter when I sit quietly in the van and close my eyes. They are all grown and on their own now, so the sound of that laughter is precious. Then all the stuff. I keep my fold up camp chairs in it just in case I ever have a flat, or come upon a situation that I just might need to sit down for a while. In the door slots are file folders containing maps, camping information for all the states I tend to visit on a regular basis.....in alpha order of course. (Did I mention the folders are lavender?) Several umbrellas, first aid kits missing some items from those many, many camping trips. There is a piece of a arrowhead, and other small rocks/shells in the ashtray. And somewhere hidden in one of the compartments is a small old bottle my dad and I found during a weekend trip to Yerrington, NV. Lots of memories with that van.

I named the van OTRA-One-Kanobi. OTRA stands for On the Road Again and One-Kanobi is so the force would always be with me where ever I traveled. I know. That is the coolest name for a vehicle for all times! Melancholy is me. I feel like I am taking my faithful dog to the dog pound to be put asleep.

But, it is becoming the money pit. Sorry, old friend. We must part. I hope you find a nice family and aren't sold to the parts yard. But, if so, think of it as being an organ donor of types, living on in other vehicles! I will keep the memory of all our good trips in my heart and you keep the memory of the same in your........radiator? Carburater? Whatever!

Farewell Otra One Kanobi! May the FORCE be with you!

Hello, SunFlower!

My Two Recommendations

2007-05-31T20:19:00.000-07:00

My daughters, all three of them, have been bugging me like crazy to buy some CD by some new singer they have been raving about. It was by someone I have never heard of before. A cross between Linda Ronstadt and Janis Joplin, I was to "love" it. Not one to run right out and by anything, particularly a CD, I certainly wasn't jumping out of my seat to zip down and get this one. After a few weeks of endless harassment, Annie, my nearly 22 year old baby, gives up and brings it to me. Guess what? I LOVE it! So, I am passing on this free bit of information. Fabulous, great songwriter, vocalist, musician.

THE STORY, By Brandi Carlile.
URL: http://www.brandicarlile.com/

Now, number two. I like to read. But again, I usually don't go out and buy something unless someone recommends it or I saw it on Oprah! This next recommend came from a tennis partner who recently lost both parents and was having trouble with her son. She said it really made her laugh, clear her head, a good read. I saw it recently at the college bookstore where I work (not the bookstore--the college) so picked up the last copy. I'm loving it. I divorced seven years ago, after 27 years of marriage and four kids. And though I have recently remarried (now three years), I still carry a tremendous amount of guilt around feeling like I let my entire family, kids, parents, aunts uncles and all my deceased ancestors down. I know in my heart of hearts it was right but this vice-grip around my heart keeps saying I shouldn't have given up on the marriage. Reading this has been theraputic and great fun. Quick read about a 30 something depressed, newly divorced woman who decides to take a year off and find herself.

EAT, PRAY, LOVE
One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonsia.
by Elizabeth Gilbert,

Good Night!

And Enjoy!

Car Shopping--UUUGGGHH!

2007-05-28T17:17:00.000-07:00

Fortunately, I have only been shopping for vehicles four times in my life. I keep my auto as long as possible at least 8 or more years. And now the possible is as long as it is going to be on my Safari. For the past several weeks my hubby and I have been talking about what car I should get. He spouts all the rationale from Consumer Reports, and the number one factor-- fuel economy. Keep in mind my aged hippie husband gave away his vehicle and rides either his ten-speed or his motorcycle to work, and everywhere else for that matter. Thus, he feels very good about his contribution to society in saving the air and the world at large.

I, too, want to save the air and the world. Only, I want to be able to pull my tent trailer, go off-roading occasionally, and think color is as important as fuel economy. So, when he asks me what I want in a vehicle, I, of course, say " a jeepy kind of thing, that has a rack, with a tow package and cool school bus yellow would be great!" He usually frowns, mutters something about going green and leaves the room. I don't know how to tell him I could NEVER own a green car!

After his hours of research online, we then have the whole going-to-the-car-lot experience. I tell my hubby who hates to go to car dealerships that I will be the one to handle all of the transactions. I am resolved to remain calm and I am intent on finding a car that I will have a connection with as I will be spending many hours with this vehicle in the upcoming years.

There is a reason why car salesmen have such bad reputations as slime-ball predators. They truly are vultures, just waiting and watching for fresh prey. We drive up and "Jimmy" is the first to pounce on us. He proceeds to tell us how he could never sell a product he didn't believe in because he is a man of integrity. Isn't that super! He wants me to take a car out for a test drive. I want to know the price, will it tow my trailer. He's not sure.

I just want to know the price. But that's not how the game is played. I explain I don't have time and just want to know how much is the car. Jimmy starts in: "Let's go for a drive. Just sit in the car." He continues: "What color would you like Driftwood Pearl, Galatic Gray, VooDoo Blue, Sun Fusion. Let's go to my office and I'll put some numbers together for you." I ask if it can tow my trailer. He's not sure unless we go to his office. The sun is beating down on us and I really, really, really just want to know the price. I have a list of possible cars, I want to make the best comparison of prices and features. But Jimmy just wants to go to his office and play 'Deal or No Deal!"

I refuse to go to his office. I refuse to get in the car. I refuse to drive the car. Just give me the damn price and tell me if it can tow my tent trailer! What's so hard about that? I feel all my zen leaving. All my resolve to remain calm and have a peaceful car buying experience while I try to makle a connection with a car is quickly disappearing. I tell my hubs, "We must go!"

We drive back home in the same old van we drove up in. Back to Consumer Reports. Back to all the stats on fuel economy, side-air bags, brakes, resale predictability......and not one word about anything school-bus yellow. Oh, excuuuuse, me. I mean Sun Fusion!

Travels to Austin or the Road to Hippie Hollow

2007-05-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

Last week I flew to Austin for an educational conference. Being a native of Las Vegas, I find most conference towns pretty boring. The conference day ends, you go and try to find a place to eat, most towns roll up at 9pm and you end up spending the majority of the time watching tv alone in some hotel room. I don't know what I expected from Austin as I have never been there or anywhere in Texas, but let me tell you, it is ever a party town as Vegas.

On the way to the hotel from the airport, some guy on the shuttle mentions a free concert going on somewhere, but he doesn't know where. My sister and I (did I mention my sister from Reno joined me?) decided we would find this free concert.

We did! It was way cool. I have never seen more rednecks and hippies congregated in the same place as there were at this outdoor concert. I wasn't quite sure of those wearing t-shirts with "Keep Austin Weird!" but suffice it to say there were all kinds roaming the grounds.

The top talent for the night, of the long list of talent, were Bonnie Raitt and Kris Kristopherson! Wow. It took me back to the early 70's, music, tie-dyed t-shirts, peace signs, the smell of mary jo riding the breeze in and out through the crowd. Tremendous musicians. Lots of local talent that were simply fabulous! The concert ended with Kris singing "Me and Bobby McGee." Ahhh.

That was the first night. Every night we found a different place with a different band, and great food. The last day prior to heading back to the airport we took off and found our way to Travis Lake and Hippie Hollow. I had seen it on the tourist map we had received when we had checked into the hotel. I had to go to Hippie Hollow, after all I had been a hippie in my teen years, I had to find this place and make a connection.

It wasn't until we had paid our $10 and were walking down the path in our little jean skirts with our sandals and our little purses swinging by our sides, that we realized, by the man walking toward us, that Hippie Hollow is a NUDE BEACH!! I cannot stress enough our complete surprise at seeing a man with shoes and socks, straw hat and nothing else swaggering toward us. We both made a right face to stare at the woods and close our eyes. I don't know what we were thinking, perhaps if our eyes were closed, he couldn't see us standing there biting our lips and trying not to laugh. Which then had me quite alarmed that we were breaking the most sacred rule of all......NO LAUGHING WHEN NAKED MEN WALK TOWARD YOU! I am certain that cannot be good for any man's self esteem!

We soon realized we were surrounded. Naked people everywhere. Imagine being the only clothed persons there and trying desperately to act cool. Trying to keep the hysterical laughter form spurting forth everytime some guy came swinging by, trying to talk to people and keep your gaze looking at their face and not wandering down to you know where! I hate not fitting it. I quickly pulled my sunglasses out of my purse and told my sister there was only one course of action "Quick! Take your clothes off--Blend in!"

Long Time

2007-05-24T19:43:00.000-07:00

It's been a very long time since I have got on the old computer and started reading my favorite blogs. Gee with DebbieDoesLife out of commission, my inspiration just wasn't there. I jumped online this evening and just for the heck of it looked up Debbie's site and "sure nuf" she was back on. Too bad I didn't check sooner and I could have enjoyed a CD of her favorite hits.

Of course, I just couldn't come back and start posting. Like most of my time here, I start messing around with the templates and trying to come up with a new header. Ahhh, how nice it would be to be one of you amazing bloggers who can just jump on here and start writing without being so critical of your blog's appeareance.

I am going to try and write some more and mess with html less.

That said, I may just very well go home and tell you all about my amazing adventure to Austin....Hey, Debbie....why haven't you ever mentioned "Hippie Hollow" in Austin?

But, that was the last day of the trip, first things first. Get my butt home!

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T12:37:00.000-08:00

In honor of my most favorite day in the whole wide world, I devote this space to my graveyard photos taken on my recent New England trip.
20 points to the one who can identify cemetary and/or town.

Hope everyone has a very ghoulish night, with lots and lots of chocolate!

Gothic Grandma

2006-10-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

I am in Halloween sorrow. I love Halloween. Prior to my divorce five years ago, I had decorated my entire yard (I had a half acre so it was a BIG yard) with a graveyard, flying ghosts, monsters, coffins, skeletons with lacy dresses and long wigs, devil coming out of the ground with red smoke all around, fog machines, creepy music, flying bats, pianos, you name it, I had it. For over 25 years, people came from miles around to see the spectacle I would create. I would have at least 10 pumpkins carved. The teenagers loved to come help carve pumpkins and set up all the goodies. They knew they could come to my house and carve pumpkins, find a costume, dress up, have fun. I would go through tons of candy with all the kids that showed up.

But, alas, divorce was fast approaching and the house was sold, the ex threw away my entire Halloween collection (27 years worth) and I moved into an apartment. I decorated my door. I didn't have one trick or treater!

Now, I live in a townhouse. I decorated my courtyard and the front sidewalk last year. Not one kiddo. I'm just a Gothic Grandma come this time of year and as Halloween approaches I find myself mourning the days of old. I always wondered what people thought that year I moved away and they came expecting great spooky things only to see the new home owners meager attempts at Halloween. If I only had my great dementor costume I would go harass the kids on my old street. (Ah, big sigh) Good times!

Not By the Hairs on My Chinny Chin Chin!

2006-10-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

Today's paper, in the comics (for Better or Worse) I see exactly what I have been dealing with the entire past year, only I don't think it is funny. You be the judge:

This is my life! I am constantly plucking out chin hairs--yes, it is gross! What the hell happened when I turned 50? Did all the female hormones in my body just completely shut down? Some testosterone switch come on? Hot flashes I can handle, but I don't think this is one bit funny, every day there seems to be one more bristle, pluck! Stop it already!

Joys of being a woman

2006-09-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

Hot flashes are upon me. Well, first of all, they are more of a warm flood. (I suppose living in Vegas gives me a different perspecitive of hot.) But, there was nothing flash about it. Came on slowly, rising to the top of my head, staying around for a while then slowly subsiding. Not terribly uncomfortable. Why do women have to go through all this metamorphisis crap? I remember being 15 (Yea, I was a late bloomer!) and hoping for boobs and a period just once I wanted to take a private shower! Oh, what I didn't know! Boobs, cramps, periods, then several years later pregnancy, now I get to enjoy menopause, osteoporosis will be next, but please, please, no hair on my chin (what is that all about?) And what do men get? Their balls drop, their voices change and then they reach 40 and start having a few gray hairs. Oh, how rough!

Thank God we aren't still birthing babies while gathering berries. And thank God for epiderals....however, being a 70's mom when "natural birth" was what all good caring mothers did so you wouldn't "harm" the baby, I missed out on most of the joy of birth and delivery as I was too busy withering in pain wondering when the doctor was coming to pull the backhoe out that was trying to dig through my back! However, my last child born in the 80's came into this world under the lovely calming effects of drugs. I did have to wait until my husband went for dinner after I had been at the hospital for over 10 hours and the needle lady had come in and asked if I would be needing an epideral as she was heading home and it would take an hour to get back. My husband spoke out "no, we don't deliver with drugs."

The thought: "shut-up asshole, and when was this a 'we' event anyway?" raced through my head. The minute my husband left the room, I called the nurse and I was in heaven by the time the hubby made it back to the room. I did break my nurses nose, but that is entirely another story.

Whoever developed this procedure should have a statue made in his/her honor--standing on a platform, needle raised high and hundreds of women kissing the feet. Bless you, for you have made birthing a somewhat joyful experience.

Back to how did women get all the crudy body part transformations? I think we should have been created in the likeness of a kangeroo. Spit out a wormy fetus, carry it around in a Gucci bag for the remaining months, no stretch marks, no bulging bellies, no belly buttons popping through pants, no need for tummy tucks and boob lifts, well maybe keep those options open! Yep, this being created in the likeness of man was not a good idea. Perhaps laying and egg and sitting on it while our spouse brought us food and drink might have been an even better alternative.

I thought making it through my child-bearing years with four kids was my greatest hurdle in life. But now that menopause is upon me, I realize this may be a rocky ride for a few years, not only am I up changing the thermostat 10 times during the night, I now have hormonal fluxes that make me sincerely believe everyone around me is a complete idiot. If I actually spoke the words that come to mind to the clients or staff in my office, I would be fired for harassment.

I think I read somewhere that a glass of wine was perfect for hot flashes. Actually, I just made that up, but I am going to go get that glass of wine as this aging hippie girl has had it with the joys of womanhood. I have decided for my next birthday that I want a cake with my picture on it. A very subliminal message to all who partake: "Bite me!"

Under 100 degrees! FINALLY!

2006-09-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

Ah, what a great, great day! Do you just LOVE the cooler weather? I am lovin' it! My flowers are happy, they bow down to me when I walk by, sounds like a John Denver song right? Hmmm, what was that song? "I'll walk in the rain by your side...." Come to think of it, I think the bees bow down in the song, not the flowers. Oh, well, my flowers, bow down to their queen and tell me how happy they are, they are blooming again, and I am happy too. Now, when I say cooler, I mean out of the triple digits of the Vegas summers. So, maybe the rest of the states are getting down to 60's and 70's but here in the glorious wild west, we really can fry eggs on the sidewalks and look forward to the double digit temperatures.Yes, I think Autumn has arrived! Time to dig under the bed and pull out all the sweaters, it will be 70 before you know it.

I love Summer, I truly do. I love the feel of the warm sun on my skin, the cancerous rays burning through all layers. I love going to the beach and wathcing the kids play in the sand and water. I love closing my eyes and listening to the waves reaching the shore. And while young minds are mesmerized with the sounds of the waves, I hear the sand being sucked back into the depths of the ocean and imagining that sound to be similar to that of lyposuction. If I were ever brave enough to give it ago, I would be better able to ascertain that fact. I love watching the toddlers chasing the waves, the awe in their faces at seeing the ocean for the first time and trying to contemplate the vastness in their small world of experiences. My eyes wander to the young slender bodies in bikinis and I so want to tell them to flaunt it while they can because the vastness of their rear and thighs will soon be upon them, and the days of bikinis will soon be a distant memory, a picture in a scrapbook. (Yes, Mom used to wear a bikini, too!) Yes, let us move away from the bikini days of Summer and toward the almighty body equalizing days of Autumn, where each and every one us us will look chunky in sweats!

Autumn is our reminder that Spring will be coming in all it's botanical glory after the restful days of winter. (For those of you back east, you may insert, the bleak cold hell of winter! ) And for you guys: Autumn means football and tailgating parties, beer, chips and big screen tv's with your favorite team running across lifesize and in living color! Ah, Autumn. It's the best! Maybe tomorrow we'll get down below 90, it's almost going to be freezing!

Leaving Las Vegas

2006-08-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

My oldest daughter informs me today that she and her husband bought a house in Colorado last week while on their vacation in a small suburb of Denver. She just got back home!! My heart rips apart as I tell her how excited I am for her. This is the daughter that was married three years ago and the next year moved to Alaska(army) with her husband. I remember convincing her how fun and what an adventure it would be when they were stationed in Alaska and she was afraid of leaving her family and friends, her home. I remember at that time telling her to treasure every moment, it would be a wonderful experience and soon she would be back home. My heart was torn apart then, too, except I knew they would be back home.

The next year she had a baby in February. Scared and feeling alone, far from home and isolated, she wants me there with her. And of course, I would be there. I had planned to fly up the week prior to the expected arrival to help her get everything ready. The baby arrived a week early, the day before my scheduled flight. She called early in the morning. I ran around like crazy after she called. I changed the flight to that day, packed, got to the airport and made the 18 hour trip to Fairbanks, arriving at the hospital about 2 minutes after she gave birth, but in time to get pictures of the baby being cleaned and weighed and wrapped in her first blanket. I was exhausted, but the smile on her face gave me the energy to stay with her through that first night.

It was beyond freezing. Remember I live in Las Vegas where 55 degrees is freezing! And now, here I am in Fairbanks at minus 40 degrees, looking at my very beautiful daughter, my most precious granddaughter and wondering how in the heck will they get the baby from the hospital to the truck with out her freezing? But that was the problem for the next day!

After a week, I had to leave them, tearfully returning home, anxiously waiting for Emma's pictures to be emailed, with the almost daily updates from my daughter. I hated being so far away and not able to hold my granddaughter when ever I wanted. It just wasn't right!

They came back home last August. I was so full of joy to finally have my daughter and granddaughter back home. Emma with her funny faces, her hugs and sweet kisses. Krista so certain her child was a genius!

I have Vegas roots. My grandmother was born in Las Vegas, as was my mother, myself and all my kids and my grandson from my middle daughter. Are you seeing the very long roots here? My greatgrandmother came to Vegas in 1905 in a covered wagon, long, long deep roots. I don't care what the movie says, some of us have roots and we don't leave Las Vegas. We stay and have big birthday parties, family gatherings, weenie roasts and celebrate all holidays together. We don't move to Colorado.

"Yes, Krista, it's a beautiful town and it's a wonderful house, but what about jobs?" She has already checked out the schools, the safety of the town, found a job, as has David her husband. (Darn!) They have everything ready to go for the move in April. Now, it's not just Krista's leaving that tears my heart apart, but Emma. Cute, little Emma, who is just beginning to know her grandma. How will she remember me and know her grandma loves her?

"It really is beautiful, mom, you are going to love it. I can't wait for you to come and see it." I skim through the brochure and the pictures of their new house. I know she is excited, but her voice tells me she is afraid at the prospects of once again leaving home. My heart is screaming "please, don't go!" Instead, I give her a hug, holding on a little longer than usual and say "I am so happy for you, hon. It is a beautiful place."

She packs up Emma's things and we walk out to her car. She throws the babies things in the backseat and straps Emma into the car seat. She walks around and gives me one more hug. I take a step back and our eyes lock. We smile. We both say "I love you" at the same time. "Jinx" she says.

She gets in her car and backs out of the driveway while I smile the biggest smile I can muster and wave till she turns the corner. I walk back to the house and the tears flood my face, the damn finally allowed to break free. Sometimes the toughest thing about being a mom, is doing and saying what you know your kids need to hear from you. Even when you really don't mean one word!

Getting There

2006-08-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

Well, it's not exactly what I was hoping, but it is getting there. After several days of cutting and pasting different html code or whatever the code is in the template, I have finally made a photo header!! YEA! Yes the side photo is me rapelling. I think it was easier to rapell down the cliff there than it was putting the darn picture in the right spot. Next, I will be trying to get the fonts changed and colors.

Tonight I can't spend too much time here as my dear hubby get's off tonite from the Phantom show and home at 9pm, as opposed to after midnight most nights. So, this will be a short night for me to dabble with the code and upload pictures.

Been a terribly hectic week at work, the lead actor died (for real!) and the show was supposed to open this weekend. Needless to say most of us were in shock and now I'm trying to get press out regarding postponing the show one week. Fortunately, the director is jumping in to fill the role and we didn't have to cancel. But, man, I've known Bob, the actor that died, for many years. This has been a real shocker.

And the name of the play? God of Hell. Welcome to my life!

Frustrated blogger

2006-08-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

I've spent half of the night looking for a sight that offers 'free blogger templates' trying to find something that I could upload easily yet was indicative of my absolutely unique style. Unfortunately, I found nothing. Why is it so difficult to find a way to add a photo header? I have some great shots from trips to Italy and Mexico, and would love to utilize one for my header. But, no. After totally screwing up my blog (fortunately I saved a copy before messing around) I am right back with the same old blah template.

It is just too hard to find a template that says: hippie, peace, guitar, nature girl, mom. Why is that? A sunflower here, a guitar, peace signs, where are those templates?

Being the persistent one, I am off to search the ends of cyberspace! Hopefully, this sight will look new and fresh ..... soon!

Pedicure Poker Stranger

2006-08-09T19:08:00.000-07:00

I have a pretty hectic job, yes, I know, don't we all! And, just like many of you, I occasionally find myself buried alive in unfinished overdue (no, I wouldn't ever let anything be overdue!) projects, stressed to the max that I am not going to get the work done and be immediately fired! I had left work Friday with not making a dent on the piles of paper on my desk, telling my secretary not to touch a pile, and not to put anything else on my desk for fear it would never be seen again. I don't like leaving on Friday that way. It's such pressure to come in on Monday and remember what pile was what!

Saturday morning I found myself full of guilt for leaving my office and not finishing up more than I had. As I looked around, it seemed the house duties were piling up as well. My mind was full of how far behind I was at work, how many events were coming up, a light design I still hadn't completed, another script to read, floors to clean, toilets to scrub, bleach and laundry. The pressure was on to decide what project I should jump on first. My organizational gold side thought I should make a list, complete each task in order, checking off the things as I finished, watching my progress, and feeling very good about myself.

Instead, I decided I really needed a pedicure. That's my blue side (If you have ever had the color of your personality tested you know what I am talking about here)

I have a nice little salon I go to whenever it is time to pull the stress out of my body. When I feel like screaming I CAN'T DO ANYMORE!!, it's time to go. That's when I head for the stress relief and relaxation place. That's really what a pedicure is all about. They put your feet in hot water and all the blood from your head runs to your feet, along with all the stress. Then they rub your feet and pull your toes and yank out all the crap (no, not toe jam, stress crap!) They massage your calves and feet, you feel completely empty of the soul-sucking smog of stress. No worry about the responsibilites you are ignoring, just relax and drift away. I avoid the attempt at conversation. Better to just close your eyes and drift away.

And so there I was drifting. There was a TV playing from the ceiling and a commercial came on playing that Hawaiian guys version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" that seques to "What a Wonderful World" on a ukelele. I opened my eyes to see the commercial and commented on how much I really liked that song, how very mellow, simple, a very different arrangement.

The lady said she loved his music and went on to tell me (conversation had started, no more drifting) that she loved that guys music and his name was IZ. And she loved his music because it was so calming.

She went on to say she was a professional Poker player. And that whenever she is on her way to a tournament she is always so nervous, she puts in his CD and it relaxes her, that it was her favorite CD. There was a big Poker tournament starting that weekend so I figured she would be listening to the CD for the next few days. We both went back to drifting.

She finished and left the store. I was there for another 15 minutes or so, put on those stupid thongs (shoes!) they give you and scuffled out to my car. As I was unlocking the door, someone yelled and I turned and it was her, CD in hand scuffling toward me (she had the thongs on, too) She told me to take it and she would get another since I liked that song so much. I, immediately declined knowing she would need it over the weekend to get through the tournament. She insisted, handed it to me and walked away."Thanks!" I got in my van and was so amazed that this total stranger gave me her favorite CD.

Gee, people here hardly say "hello" to strangers let alone give away their favorite CD. I realized I didn't even know her name. I opened the door and hopped out to find out her name, but it was too late, she was gone. I wanted to let her know that I appreciated her kindness. I wondered if she could tell I was really havng a bad day (findng out I wouldn't be having my nightly blog reads of DebbieDoesLIfe had certainly depressed me) and did she know how uplifting her gesture was to me? The entire last week or so had just been incredibly crummy. Yea, I know it was just a CD, but I really do love that song and I had no idea who the singer was to try and find it. I drove out of the parking lot with my faith in humanity restored, pretty pink toes and smooth heals!

I can't help but wonder how the pedicure poker stranger did in the tournament? I wonder if she even guesses that her random act of kindess brightens my days as I play that CD every morning on my way to work? I hope she came out ahead. I know I did. Thanks, Lady, may the poker angels smile upon you.

Dedicated to DebbieDoesLife

2006-08-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

Am I blogging? Wow, I am doing it! I am a 52 year old (really young 52 year old by the way) wife, mother and grandmother. I work days and good ole hubby works nights. After a long day at work, I found much relaxation scouring the computer for various things. Sometimes doing geneology work, sometimes finding gardening tips and then one day I was trying to find a picture of Terri Garr, the movie actress that currently has some bad disease and why no one has seen her lately, but someone that I had been told I looked like years ago. So, I thought, I wonder if there is still a resemblance and the search was on.

But, to my dismay, I kept getting DebbieDoesLife (for certain a porno site!) and finally, gave up and thought, "Okay, I'll bite." and to my most utmost surprise came across a blog site. I had heard of blogs, knew it was some computer thing, maybe a journal thing, not sure. I read. And read. Debbie was ME! (She even sorta looked like me) Her humor, her caring, her sharing, all me. It was cosmic. I was hooked.

Every night I would come home and jump on the computer to see what had happened in Debbie's Blog. I went through all the past posts, looked at pictures of her hubby and boys. From some very lonely nights, came a light to my world. I had a friend, that didn't know I was even there, but provided such inspiration and lots of laughs!

Then the other night I go and she has a very sad picture of a clown crying and says she is taking a sabbatical. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" Oh, Debbie, don't leave us now. I wanted to comment but you had to be a member of the blog world. It's taken me several nights to FINALLY figure this out, and here I am world. I hope I find some friends that are missing Debbie as much as I will be, and help me make it through the nights of the next weeks, months until Debbie's life settles down, she unpacks all the boxes, gets her computer set up in the new house and starts blogging again. I sure hope she puts up a picture from her son's graduation, I feel so proud of him! I know she does too. Thanks Debbie! You brought a ton smiles to my world.

Oh, and Terri Garr, why it linked to DebbieDoesLife? Because she had a post regarding someone saying she looked like Terri Garr who she dispises! So, okay, we are different, I like Terri!

Now, I am off to FINALLY, comment on her blog! Wish me luck!