Saturday, September 30, 2006

Joys of being a woman

Hot flashes are upon me. Well, first of all, they are more of a warm flood. (I suppose living in Vegas gives me a different perspecitive of hot.) But, there was nothing flash about it. Came on slowly, rising to the top of my head, staying around for a while then slowly subsiding. Not terribly uncomfortable. Why do women have to go through all this metamorphisis crap? I remember being 15 (Yea, I was a late bloomer!) and hoping for boobs and a period just once I wanted to take a private shower! Oh, what I didn't know! Boobs, cramps, periods, then several years later pregnancy, now I get to enjoy menopause, osteoporosis will be next, but please, please, no hair on my chin (what is that all about?) And what do men get? Their balls drop, their voices change and then they reach 40 and start having a few gray hairs. Oh, how rough!

Thank God we aren't still birthing babies while gathering berries. And thank God for epiderals....however, being a 70's mom when "natural birth" was what all good caring mothers did so you wouldn't "harm" the baby, I missed out on most of the joy of birth and delivery as I was too busy withering in pain wondering when the doctor was coming to pull the backhoe out that was trying to dig through my back! However, my last child born in the 80's came into this world under the lovely calming effects of drugs. I did have to wait until my husband went for dinner after I had been at the hospital for over 10 hours and the needle lady had come in and asked if I would be needing an epideral as she was heading home and it would take an hour to get back. My husband spoke out "no, we don't deliver with drugs."

The thought: "shut-up asshole, and when was this a 'we' event anyway?" raced through my head. The minute my husband left the room, I called the nurse and I was in heaven by the time the hubby made it back to the room. I did break my nurses nose, but that is entirely another story.

Whoever developed this procedure should have a statue made in his/her honor--standing on a platform, needle raised high and hundreds of women kissing the feet. Bless you, for you have made birthing a somewhat joyful experience.

Back to how did women get all the crudy body part transformations? I think we should have been created in the likeness of a kangeroo. Spit out a wormy fetus, carry it around in a Gucci bag for the remaining months, no stretch marks, no bulging bellies, no belly buttons popping through pants, no need for tummy tucks and boob lifts, well maybe keep those options open! Yep, this being created in the likeness of man was not a good idea. Perhaps laying and egg and sitting on it while our spouse brought us food and drink might have been an even better alternative.

I thought making it through my child-bearing years with four kids was my greatest hurdle in life. But now that menopause is upon me, I realize this may be a rocky ride for a few years, not only am I up changing the thermostat 10 times during the night, I now have hormonal fluxes that make me sincerely believe everyone around me is a complete idiot. If I actually spoke the words that come to mind to the clients or staff in my office, I would be fired for harassment.

I think I read somewhere that a glass of wine was perfect for hot flashes. Actually, I just made that up, but I am going to go get that glass of wine as this aging hippie girl has had it with the joys of womanhood. I have decided for my next birthday that I want a cake with my picture on it. A very subliminal message to all who partake: "Bite me!"

1 comment:

Krista said...

This made me laugh but then I realized that the light I saw at the end of the tunnel was just a hot flash!