Monday, May 30, 2011
What a wonderful day. What a wonderful weekend. Spent time with my girls, my grandkids, talked to my son, had friends up today, had snow and rain yesterday followed by the most beautiful sunny day today.
Tomorrow I get the results of the CT scan. Tomorrow I find out if the spots on my liver are still there or not, if they have grown or not, if there are more spots or not, why my side has hurt for the last three weeks. I should be anxious, scared. But I'm not. Perhaps I have been in denial since May 2008. The statistics would scare the hell out of anyone and yes, there are many times I let fear enter my mind. But it is not fear that consumes my thoughts. Anger is a common emotion. Angry that this insidious disease most likely will take away years of my life that I should have had to spend with my husband, my kids and my grandkids. It does make me angry. But being angry is not a good way to live.
It is neither fear nor anger that fills my heart and soul. I try to fill my heart and soul with love, joy and happiness, even with the worse news and during some of my darkest nights. I cannot help to feel so blessed. The world is a beautiful place. And for this day, this moment I am here! I try to notice its beauty each and every day. I am thankful for the small moment of time I get to have on this earth. I feel so blessed to be a mom, a wife, a grandmama, a sister. Tomorrow is unknown, but for today there is sunshine in my soul. My cup runneth over.