Saturday, June 04, 2011

I Promise Myself...

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk wellness, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of troubles enter my mind.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on my side so long as I am true to the best that is in me.
To live an appreciative life, to recognize my blessings and be grateful for each.
To live each day with grace.

Monday, May 30, 2011

My Cup Runneth Over

What a wonderful day.  What a wonderful weekend.  Spent time with my girls, my grandkids, talked to my son, had friends up today, had snow and rain yesterday followed by the most beautiful sunny day today.

Tomorrow I get the results of the CT scan.  Tomorrow I find out if the spots on my liver are still there or not, if they have grown or not, if there are more spots or not, why my side has hurt for the last three weeks.  I should be anxious, scared.  But I'm not.  Perhaps I have been in denial since May 2008.  The statistics would scare the hell out of anyone and yes, there are many times I let fear enter my mind.  But it is not fear that consumes my thoughts.  Anger is a common emotion. Angry that this insidious disease most likely will take away years of my life that I should have had to spend with my husband, my kids and my grandkids.  It does make me angry.  But being angry is not a good way to live.

It is neither fear nor anger that fills my heart and soul.  I try to fill my heart and soul with love, joy and happiness, even with the worse news and during some of my darkest nights. I cannot help to feel so blessed. The world is a beautiful place.  And for this day, this moment I am here! I try to notice its beauty each and every day.  I am thankful for the small moment of time I get to have on this earth. I feel so blessed to be a mom, a wife, a grandmama, a sister. Tomorrow is unknown, but for today there is sunshine in my soul. My cup runneth over.

Friday, March 25, 2011


I am currently in Maui for a few weeks.  Beni is working and I am just hanging out.  Everywhere I go I hear Aloha.  Of course I know it means "hello" but I hear it constantly and not just as a greeting so I decided to look up the definition of the word.  Here is what I found:

What Does Aloha Mean?
Aloha is the most Hawaiian word. In the Hawaiian language, it can mean hello or goodbye. It also means love and affection. The word aloha is used in a combination with other words, such as aloha kakahiaka, which means good morning; aloha auinala used as a greeting that means good afternoon; and aloha ahiahi is how you can wish good evening in Hawaiian. Because of aloha’s unique meaning and popularity, Hawaii is called the Aloha State.
Aloha is a Hawaiian symbol. Its meaning goes beyond any definition you can find about it in the dictionaries. In Hawaii, you hear aloha all the time and you are treated with aloha everywhere.

The Spirit of Aloha 

The literal meaning of aloha is “the presence of breath” or “the breath of life.” It comes from “Alo,” meaning presence, front and face, and “ha,” meaning breath. Aloha is a way of living and treating each other with love and respect. Its deep meaning starts by teaching ourselves to love our own beings first and afterwards to spread the love to others.

According to the old kahunas (priests), being able to live the Spirit of Aloha was a way of reaching self-perfection and realization for our own body and soul. Aloha is sending and receiving a positive energy. Aloha is living in harmony. When you live the Spirit of Aloha, you create positive feelings and thoughts, which are never gone. They exist in space, multiply and spread over to others.

I love that last part.  Aloha everyone. Aloha!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

For Ryan, Krista, Dawnie and Annie

I have been thinking a great deal lately about what message, lessons I would like to leave for my kids.  Oh, there is so much I want to tell them, so much I want them to know, the very least of which is how much they are loved and how very, very proud I am of each of them.  But for today I would like to give them a simple message from one of my favorite songs. It is ironic that it is a song I remember playing every morning when I left the hospital after spending the night with my mom, the week she was hospitalized after her surgery for colon cancer.  It gave me hope.  Now, I listen to it with a different sense of hope.  Hope that my kids will take to heart it's positive message on what I want for each of them. The music is in the video...if the video stops working as sometimes happens just google Rod Stewart Forever Young.  I will make one change to the lyrics below changing "when you finally fly away" to "when I finally fly away."  Love you all.

May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
with a prince or a vagabond

And may you never love in vain
and in my heart you will remain
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young
Forever Young

And when I finally fly away
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you, win or lose
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young ,Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
For, Forever Young, Forever Young

So my dear, dear children, be courageous and be brave, and I hope in your hearts I'll always remain:  Forever Young.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

"Advanced Stage Ovarian Cancer" I don't want to be in this boat!

I'm in a sinking boat...feels like it's heading for the water fall, sinking fast and no paddle. What the hell! I want to jump out and swim for shore! My doctor in December said (hear is what I heard) "Spread, no cure, non-operable, platinum-resistant, try and maintain quality of life, only chance clinical trial.." So, I signed up for the trial...after 5 weeks of waiting and the day before I was supposed to start, it was canceled. My oncologist in town did another ct had now spread to liver and lymph nodes. I am now starting on the 3rd chemo regimen, I have had a total of 14 rounds, I have lost my hair, had it start to grow back and then start the process all over.  I am hoping to keep hair this time around, would like to remember what I used to look like!

Stage 4 ovarian cancer is not curable.  I am a realist.  But I am also an optimist.  I can't believe I will lose this fight, even though the statistics say otherwise.  Below are the facts.  I have a challenge, the biggest challenge of my life...for my life.  I will fight this with everything I have.  I still believe I can win, I always think I will win.  At night in the dark, the doubt creeps in.  Thank heaven for the morning when the sun is still in the sky and shining above me.

    Stage IV Ovarian Cancer

  1. Stage IV (any T, any N, M1) is the most advanced stage of ovarian cancer. In this stage the cancer has spread to the inside of the liver, the lungs or other organs located outside of the peritoneal cavity. The peritoneal cavity, or abdominal cavity is the area enclosed by the peritoneum, a membrane that lines the inner abdomen and covers most of its organs. Finding ovarian cancer cells in the fluid around the lungs (called pleural fluid) is also evidence of stage IV disease.
  2. 5-Year Survival Rate

  3. Life expectancy rates are determined in cancer by looking at the 5-year survival rate of patients diagnosed with a certain stage of cancer. The type of cancer and the stage determine the survival rates and life expectancy. Five-year survival rates, for ovarian cancers and other cancers, account for factors like unrelated causes of death, when providing the statistics on 5-year survival. Generally, if patients live for the 5 years after diagnosis, mortality rates caused by the cancer fall dramatically.

    For stage IV ovarian cancer, the 5-year survival rate is 17.5%.
  4. Life Expectancy

  5. According to a study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, the median life expectancy for patients with late stage ovarian cancer is 2.95 years. The study is based on the projected 5-year survival rates and a mean survival rate of 1.97 years in patients aged 54 who were diagnosed with Stage IV ovarian cancer. Patients diagnosed with Stage I, II or III whose disease progressed to Stage IV had an additional 1 year added on to the median life expectancy because the progression from Stage I to Stage IV was assumed to take, on average, 1 year.

Read more: Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer Life Expectancy |