Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Monster is Back

I thought I was on the road to recovery from my battle with Ovarian Cancer a silent killer among cancers. I was going to be the "lucky" one. This past December found me in the hospital for almost a month and three surgeries. They originally thought the pain was my Gall Bladder...SWOOSH...take it out! Symptoms didn't stop. Then surmised it must be an intestinal blockage...but nothing showed up on the scans. After several more weeks of pain they went in and yes, there was a blockage. But, there was also more cancer. SWOOSH! Out with more parts.

They thought they got it all. I decided to go to the Mayo Clinic for a 2nd opinion on what chemo regimen to begin. Instead a recent PET scan showed more hot spots....cancer. More surgery, very invasive, but the doctors seem optimistic.

After several weeks in Arizona, I am now home, trying to cope with this news. Look up recurrent ovarian cancer and you will understand the emotional and mental toll this is taking. I will go back to Mayo in April, get the stent out of my kidney/bladder and will talk with the oncologist about the chemo plan.

Originally, we were going to do IP...right in the abdomen. The surgery dictates that now we will do some of the cycles by IV until I am healed well enough inside to handle the IP. It's scary shit. I'm trying to stay positive and be in that 5% that makes it. It's just not easy, even for a Pollyanna girl like me.


Peter said...

I was profoundly saddened reading this post Brenda:
you fought so hard and are such an admirable "this won't beat me" surviver.

Basically, I am lost for words, but girl, we're all with you, making sure that you're in that segment who make it through.

One of the next years I want to visit the US west-coast, making sure that I pass by Vegas.

And if I visit, I want to make sure I can catch up with you and meet that supportive husband of yours.

I know it's scary now, but we're all praying for your recovery here in Belgium.

Lisa said...

Great blog and well written :-)


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Have a blessed reading and gladly write back if you need any prayer help.

God bless you and your family.

B said...

I am at a complete loss for words. I am so sorry.

That said, and knowing that words can sometimes sound so hollow, I plead with you to hang onto your optimism. Because 5% is 5%. And, I would wager a large sum that 95% of that 5% hangs onto hope like a snapping turtle.

Please hang on, my friend.

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Lyndon said...

Oh,my DEAR Brenda,
How absolutely moved I was reading your heart wrenching, beautifully written words ~ thoughts and insights written from the heart with clarity and insightfulness..with words that poignantly express the shock, the sadness,the hope and the love in and about you !

No matter what...I Believe ! I Believe in YOU and I Believe in the power of universal love ; I Believe that miracles abound and that healing occurs on MANY levels.I Believe we have already seen some of those life- affirming miracles:The loving support and energy of "Team Brenda", Beni's amazing gentle love,tenderness and availability AND your wonderful new home in the mountains!

Now, we're ALL working on defeating this "monster "together! I believe it was Willa Cather who said, " Where there is great love, miracles abound !" I so believe that!! We are each at your side seeking the peace, beauty, wholeness and perfection signified by your Zen Garden ..

Though none of us REALLY knows the depths of your fears and sorrows, we feel SO very much WITH you and FOR you.I,for one,carry you in my heart every waking moment of every day ... I surround you in love and light ; I visualize the cancer cells sloughing off and flushing out and away from your body .. I pray that God fill you with His love and strength , that He put before you everything that you need to make it through the day at hand and that, more than anything, you be able to feel total love and gentleness in and around you.

I pray that you know unreservedly how VERY much you are treasured and that we are ALL fighting this battle with you.Though it is a journey that ultimately only you can take,you are NOT in this alone!

Metaphorically, I pray that you know that even on the dreariest, MOST cloudy days,the sun,though seemingly "not there" , is always shining.The "sun",being analogous to your own inner essence, is EVER radiant, beautiful,warm and intense and sweetly constant! Even when the clouds overhead seem dark and foreboding and the rain is pouring down,may you"dance" in the rain savoring each and every moment and know that the sun's gentle warmth, though obscured for the moment, is ALWAYS there!

I honor,cherish and adore you my precious friend and I BELIEVE in your total and complete healing!!

Foreverand always,Lyndon XOX

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