Monday, May 10, 2010

Cancer Sucks....or have I said that already?

The hair is gone, or mostly. I look like a wispy toe-head....an 80 year-old, toe-head. Thought I was making it through this last round of chemo fairly well, and all things considered, I suppose I have. Played tennis on Saturday and won with my partner Janelle! I love running and hitting the ball and feeling almost normal. Normal would be no thoughts of chemo, cancer, wondering if I'll make it through this battle. The nausea is continuing with stomach pain. The ct scan at the Mayo Clinic last week showed my right kidney enlarged. I get so tired at work, want to spend too much time sleeping and then hate that I am wasting precious time sleeping when time truly is so very precious.

I long to feel pretty and sexy for my husband. Yet, bald, skinny and a scarred body is the reflection in the mirror and there isn't anything pretty or sexy about it. I long for the carefree days riding on the back of the motorcycle, holding on tight to my loving guy with more love and joy in my heart than should have ever been legal and foolishly thinking those days would last forever.

I don't like to get into thoughts of fairness or why me, because I inevitably answer, "why not?" There is nothing fair about cancer so I won't waste thoughts on it.

Chemo is the chance to make it all go away and let me live. But it zaps all energy, and for a hyperactive person like myself, that is a killer in and of itself.

I just want to get it done with, again for the second time. Grow my hair back out. Make mad passionate love with my husband and not cringe from my reflection in the mirror.

And then there is the mountain home. The dream house my husband bought me. It gives me hope that one day we will be able to enjoy being mountain hippies and just soak in all the beautiful energy that is there. I know it's not his dream, it is mine, but it's that dream right now that gets me up in the morning putting one foot in front of the other.

Cancer sucks, chemo is tough, but this chick isn't about to give up the fight anytime soon.  

12 comments:

Peter said...

Hold on to the dreams Brenda - the mountain house became reality - I'm convinced you'll beat the odds and enjoy it all with that amazing husband of yours.

I know it's way too easy to post encouraging comments while you're going through one of the roughest periods in your life,
but the simple fact that you commented over at my blog made me realize you're a born optimist and a true fighter.

A warm hug from a rainy Belgium.

Mama Zen said...

Yes, hold on to that dream. Hold on with all you've got.

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Chrissy said...

Came upon your blog. Have a friend who had Stage 3 myloma, which is bone cancer. She has had a bone marrow transplant a year ago. Today they have completely released her as being free from any signs of cancer. Hang on to hope. You may not be a Christian but I am. I believe in God. I believe this is not the only life we have. Eternity awaits all of us no matter the time or way we leave this earth. I believe Jesus came to save us from all our sins so we could be forgiven and spend eternity with God. Please don't take your eternal destination for granted. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

lost Dad to cancer last year after an amazing innings. read your top note and want to shout slap away girl and enjoy it!

Capsiplex said...

Hey Brenda, Hope you get well soon

Lee said...

Hi. I read on your blog by chance when I'm reading other friend's blog. I really sorry that you suffer from cancer. In fact, I know many of my friends suffering to but found solutions. I'm not sure if you are believer of current medical world, which have no cure to cancer. Recently, my friend suffering of Cervical cancer and even went through operation. She's in Chemo & Radio therapy also. She's not suffering too much because a solutions that helping her which I'd like to share with you.

First of all, thanks GOD for sending angel that letting me know the solution that I've chanced to help people. Please try "Transfer Factor". My friend is taking it during the Chemo & Radio, her immunity is not affected by the therapy. I asked her even last week, her white-blood cells count is even higher than normal person. I'm really happy to hear that.

If you really wanted to know more, please email me leesam22@gmail.com.
I can see you the medical study and the way to get the products.

I'm writing to you not to promote any products. For your info, I'm not selling any of this products. My intention is just to help even those I don't know.

Carina said...

Keep holding on to that dream. Being optimistic is a big part of recovering from cancer.
My grandma got diagnosed with leukemia before I was born, the doctors told her she had 6 months to live. She fought cancer like a champ for 13 years after that. 13 years, and it wasn't even the cancer that got to her in the end. So you can fight this, just keep believing=)
I wish you everything well in the future, I believe you will win this and that you will have a great, long life with your family and friends.

Love and support from Norway

यशवंत कुलकर्णी said...

Will you google Max Foundation???
They provide Glivec for free.

Anonymous said...

Brenda read you blog and noticed it's been a while since you posted. Hope your are feeling better. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

BTW, My friend and neighbor was diagnosed with Stage 3 OC. She went through all the treatment regimens including surgery and now 14 years later she is doing great. Keep fighting, you can win.

Anonymous said...

Have no idea of when you posted this Brenda - just happened about it by chance.....
Positive thinking = positive outcome!!
My thoughts are with you... keep you chin up, keep praying and keep going

xx
Posted 22Aug10 23:24 UK time