The Monster is Back

I thought I was on the road to recovery from my battle with Ovarian Cancer a silent killer among cancers. I was going to be the "lucky" one. This past December found me in the hospital for almost a month and three surgeries. They originally thought the pain was my Gall Bladder...SWOOSH...take it out! Symptoms didn't stop. Then surmised it must be an intestinal blockage...but nothing showed up on the scans. After several more weeks of pain they went in and yes, there was a blockage. But, there was also more cancer. SWOOSH! Out with more parts.

They thought they got it all. I decided to go to the Mayo Clinic for a 2nd opinion on what chemo regimen to begin. Instead a recent PET scan showed more hot spots....cancer. More surgery, very invasive, but the doctors seem optimistic.

After several weeks in Arizona, I am now home, trying to cope with this news. Look up recurrent ovarian cancer and you will understand the emotional and mental toll this is taking. I will go back to Mayo in April, get the stent out of my kidney/bladder and will talk with the oncologist about the chemo plan.

Originally, we were going to do IP...right in the abdomen. The surgery dictates that now we will do some of the cycles by IV until I am healed well enough inside to handle the IP. It's scary shit. I'm trying to stay positive and be in that 5% that makes it. It's just not easy, even for a Pollyanna girl like me.

David's Ivy

Well after spending almost 4 weeks in the hospital, including Christmas and New Years, I am loving being home. Though I am still spending most of my time resting in bed, I have been able to sit and look out the window, watch the finches on their feeder and just enjoy the beauty of my small zen garden.

I think of my old house on a half acre with beautiful flower beds and lots of roses and miss being able to cut roses to have in the house pretty much whenever I wanted. I remember moving into the apartment shortly after my divorce and how hard it was not being able to work in my yard. I bought over 50 plants for my little balcony. I tended the plants and watched them thrive. I had a purpose once again. Mother's need to tend, they need to see what they tend grow and flourish. I felt whole.

Then when we found our first house together, Beni and I, I remember looking at the backyard and saying I wanted this house. I really didn't care what the inside was like, it had a big yard. Plenty of planting room. I brought all the plants from the apartment and gave them a permanent place. Except for the big momma aloe vera that came from my old house. I planted her babies, but kept the mama in her pot...just in case.

Then my daughter and her son needed a place and we sold them our house and we decided to move into the townhouse. Preston after all, needed a yard to play in, more than I needed a yard to plant and tend.

And so, here I am in the one story townhouse, that we have remodeled hacienda style with lots of color and Diego Rivera type paintings. But there is only a small courtyard in the front and a small patio in the back. Every inch of dirt is occupied with some plant or other. Additional pots abound with more plants. And I dream of having a yard with rose gardens and vegetable gardens, in the mountains where lilac bushes would grow and maybe even hydrangeas.

When we first moved in, I wondered how I would like the closeness of the neighbors. I really liked my house on the 1/2 acre so this connectedness was going to be different and I wasn't sure how I would like it. Jane and David lived next door...connected to our bedroom side. David was ill and Jane took care of him and her ailing mother. Jane. Jane had a wit and a brilliant mind. She made me laugh. She cooked wonderful things and brought them over to share. She was older, but she became my best friend.

Jane had an atrium in her unit. She had these wonderful plants. Boston ferns that were huge. Tremendous ferns that had overgrown their big pots but just too big to plant in anything else. She one day decides to cut them in two with a butcher knife and wanted my help. I wasn't so sure. It looked like a death sentence to me. Jane was determined and so we did it. We took that big knife and sliced and sawed those ferns into two rather large plants. And I ended up with half of the bounty! I still have my fern...it's outside in the courtyard now. HUGE! We laughed at what we had done, but thought it quite marvelous when we had finished.


Another lovely plant was a beautiful variegated ivy. Jane called it David's ivy. It was a little ivy plant he had during one of his stays in the hospital. It had long since thrived in the atrium into an adult plant. I always commented on it and one day Jane brings me 3 starts of David's ivy. I planted each start in a different location to make sure at least one of them would take.

At first they looked like they would all do well, but after time only one remained. I became more careful in tending this, because during the months following the planting of David's ivy, David had died, Jane's mother had died and Jane was forced to move out. I kept thinking something would happen and the landlord would let her stay, but if didn't happen, Jane moved out. No more calls to meet at the pony wall for pie or homemade macaroni and cheese. No more calls that she was armed with a butcher knife and going to separate a fern. David's ivy was all that remained.

Now I sit in a chair out on the back patio and watch the pretty yellow finches. I see the rock I painted with tulips for Jane when she decided she wasn't going to buy any more flowers for her patio only to watch them die. And I see David's ivy, growing strong and healthy. Slowly finding it's way up the trellis. Reminding me to be patient, to take it slow, to take care of myself, to remember what is important and what isn't. To remember friends that made me laugh and gave me gifts that will stay in my heart forever. I miss you Jane, but David's ivy is here and growing stronger each day, showing me that life goes on. And I am trying to do the same.

Poor Tiger, no CHEETAH!

Oh so poor, poor Tiger Woods going into hiding. Can't take the heat from the press! Poor boy. Or how about the bimbo who says she got nothing out of the relationship, not even a birthday card. Don't you just hurt for her? NOT! Yep, I think Tiger needs to change his name to a new cat...Cheetah Woods!

Through the Storm and others

Added to what I did the other day and then did a couple more. Getting better...I think.
And no brushes to clean! :)

Second Try at Painting in Photoshop

Okay, I am supposed to be working on a presentation for a national conference at our college...I'm doing Conflict Management....piece of cake right. Well, I usually do a 2 hour workshop to full day work shops on this subject. This one I get 45 minutes, and I figure after the time it takes for those attending to sign-in and sit down it will be more like 35 minutes. My stumping point is what to leave out! So what am I doing instead of figuring out that dilemma? Doing more computer painting! It's pretty fun and I am finding it a fun way to do first drafts of what I may later paint on canvas. Just not too helpful in determining the content of my presentation!

Computer Painting

Here is my first attempt at Computer Painting. I've been wanting to come up with something dealing with the theme of Ovarian Cancer's "Break the Silence." My original idea was the woman releasing a bird with the teal ribbon representing ovarian cancer flying away...to spread the word. However, I had a very difficult time with the details of the bird and settled for the ballon on this first attempt. Later, I will do the painting in acrylics or watercolor. Realizing I really need the pad and pen thingy that you can use instead of the mouse on my laptop...difficult for fine detail stuff.

My European Vacation

I have been wondering the last few days if there is a difference between traveling for pleasure and a vacation. Vacation to me has been camping in Oregon, cooking over an open fire in dutch ovens, flying my kites on the beach, crabbing, or just doing nothing and vegging out. My husband on the other hand loves to travel to places he hasn't been before and hates going to the same place more than once or twice. And more so, doesn't particularly like camping.

I, too, love to travel, but to me traveling is stressful. Making all the travel reservations, hotel reservations, planning the various itineraries in the various towns/countries. I had spent a great deal of time, researching, planning, making a myriad of reservations for planes, trains, tours, hotels, boat rides, etc. When the night finally came before we left on our trip, I still didn't have my suitcase packed and was exhausted and we hadn't even made it out the door. By the time we finally made it to the airport I was more than ready for a vacation.

Our travels took us to Amsterdam with windmills, Anne Frank and Van Gogh. And yes, Coffee houses and the red-light district! Then on to Meppen, Germany to visit with our great friends Holger and Sabine who we met in Vegas many years ago playing tennis. We stayed with them in their new home and what wonderful hosts they were and what a very beautiful town.

From Meppen we went on to Heidelberg. I think I could have stayed in Heidelberg (or Meppen) forever! Both just beautiful. We walked the Philosopher's walk in Heidelberg, visited castles, took long bike rides and long walks, drank champagne in the forest and walked the cobbelstone streets adoring the old buildings and marveling at the history that was encapsulated all in one place.

From Heidelberg we took the bullet train to Paris reaching speeds of almost 200 mph! Paris with the Eiffel tower, Louvre, Notre Dame, Cathedrals, monuments, holding hands and walking along the Seine and again all those wonderfully old buildings with a history that is hard to comprehend for someone from a town barely 100 years old.

We had a wonderful time, a beautiful trip, adventuresome travels and a great vacation.....or a wonderful time traveling whether it was a trip or a vacation....it was all good!


I will try and get some pictures up on my Facebook page and those interested can check them out there.

Curly Locks

You've seen my long locks, my bald head and now my 6 months of growth after chemo. I truly expected I would have a cute blond bob by now. With convincing from my oldest daughter I dyed it ash brown. Curly is a whole new experience for someone who has had stick straight hair. No complaints, but can't wait until I can have my long blond locks back and pull it all back into a pony tail! I figure at this rate of growth I may be well into my 60's! I am joined here with my very cute younger sister at her son's wedding a few weeks ago.

Friday Dance Party!

Yahoo! We have been invited back to do our "Let the Sunshinge In" dance down on Fremont street! Great fun, can't wait! You can see our dance in video in my sidebar! It truly is crazy fun!

Can't Believe I Just Did That!

Today I did something that I have been so afraid of doing for years, but never did. That really horrible something that has you waking up in a sweat when you even dream about doing it. I still can't believe I did it. I am usually so careful.

You know. What's your biggest fear with email? Inadvertantly sending an email to the wrong person. Oh, sure, it would be no big deal if it was just a "hi, how ya doing' email. But when you think you are FORWARDING an email to a friend from a jerk of a client, with little smart ass side comments in blue....bolded. When you call the client a "Whacked out nut case" and make another comment that infers he is masterbating. Well, that's a little different. Yea.

It was supposed to go to a friend with the first line "Please don't share, but this is what I have been dealing with all week..."

I thought she would get the shock I did when I received this email, and then be writing back with "OMG! what a jerk!"

I didn't hear from her. So I called her on the way home and asked her what she thought. She didn't get the email. OMG! Who did I send it to?

Well, instead of hitting "forward" I hit "reply." Yep. I sent it to the client. The same client I will be meeting with tomorrow! The whacked out nut case!

Yea, just call me the email dumbass of the week!

added 6/17/09. I get a call today from the college attorney. I see his name on the phone and think "Oh sh*t, he knows. I answer and he says "I need to talk to you about an email you sent.....(I'M DEAD!) to the legislature this past session......(How do you spell relief?)

Out of Hospital/Fremont Dance

Okay, I'm out. I was held hostage and not given anything to eat or drink for days, but really, I'm fine now! They still don't have a clue, after a sh*t load of tests, of what was causing the pain, only what WASN'T causing it. Trust me, I really don't need to spend any more time in a hospital after this past year!

Home, eating lots of hot Mexican food and feeling great!

I have included in the sidebar somewhere my crazy Fremont Street dance....I'm the one with the orange t-shirt and white hat. This was on Memorial Day weekend down on Fremont Street, a bunch of us had decided to go in and just all start dancing...kinda on the Antwerp Train Station type of thing...if you have no clue what I am talking about, google Antwerp Train Station.

It was a blast. Now they want us to come down every Friday night! What a hoot!

Please Remove The Ax From My Stomach!

Sooo. I am in the hospital. Second day in a row. Two trips to ER ending up in two stays. For the same thing. Monday night I wake up with gripping pains in my stomach, did I just get stabbed with a poker? Day comes, no pain, night comes...pain, worse, end up at ER. They do a ton of tests, CT scans, Xrays, blood, urine all is normal except the patient who is in nonrelenting pain. They give me morphine, blessed morphine, pain stops. I'm admitted, get a room...no view. Morning comes all is well. I am released, pick up the pain prescription. Night falls, pain starts, take pills, nothing. Take another. Nothing. Now it feels as if I have been whacked with an ax right in the middle of my stomach. Another trip to ER. More tests. They send me up to the 3rd floor (which is okay, it's the baby ward!) Pain stops. More tests scheduled for tomorrow. I am hoping tonight is filled with nothing but sleep. After three days of no sleep and little to eat, I am bushed. So if you hear any screaming tonight, won't you please, come help me out here and remove the ax!

The weird thing (Twilight music here) it was EXACTLY one year to the day that I had stomach pains that sent me to the ER and they discovered my Ovarian mass. EXACTLY!

Trip to Zion

Life is zooming past and I feel like I am running behind trying to catch up and jump on the bus! Seems like no time for anything lately. Beni has been working crazy hours at work getting Lion King ready for the opening. Tech rehearsals and focusing going on now. 14-16 hour days, six day weeks for the past month and a half. He finally got two days off and we took off to Zion National Park with some of the technical team. One of our favorite places up there is Flannigans, just a really serene hotel and spa.

Zion is always great with plenty of hikes for any level from easy to strenuous. It felt great getting out and actually being able to do some of the hikes. Good to have the energy level going up. Not quite where I was a year ago, but very glad to pretty much keep up.

Hair is coming in, about 3/4" long, is very thick and appears to be curly! I always wished for curly hair, careful what you wish for eh?

Today is my parents 59th Wedding Anniversary! Isn't that just amazing? They raised me up so I could stand on mountains, they raised me up to walk on stormy seas, and I am strong when I am on their shoulders, they raised me up to more than I should be.

Okay so I changed that a little, but they raised us kids with a tremendous amount of love and laughter and I am tremendously grateful to have been raised by parents who showed us what a loving home and loving parents was all about. Love you Mom and Dad!

FaceBook Whore

I am still alive. Thanks for all those who were asking where I was and if I was okay. I've been seeing someone else...well, not someone. My tennis buddies told me to get on Facebook to keep in touch when we wanted to play tennis and as a fun way to get in touch with old friends. "Not for me," I said. They convinced me to give it a try and I thought, "what the heck." And then I was hooked. Hooked finding old friends from high school, hooked playing Word Twist, hooked playing Geo Challenge. But there were also blog friends there too. Peter, Gary, cool. It's quick comments, quick updates throughout the day, games at night, find more friends, be someone's friend, lots of friends!

Then V-grrl brought me back to earth the other day. I realized I missed my blog friends and I felt so guilty, you know that feeling when you haven't called your mom in a couple of weeks. I'll try to do better, I promise! But if you have a FaceBook account please be my friend!

Skating on the River and Stuck in Denver

Okay, so I am here in Denver Airport waiting to see if I am going to be purposely bumped from the flight. Sure, I'll give up my seat if the price is right!

Anyway, thinking of the nice weekend with the hubs in minus 20 degree Winnipeg. I was very surprised by the very flat landscape. I was expecting mountains and lots of trees. However, it was very beautiful, seeing a endless blanket of snow as far as your eye could see. We had some great walks bundled up with so much outer wear I could hardly bend my knees and elbows! We had a super time ice skating on the river. I had only ice skated once in a rink in Vegas (not really the thing in Vegas!) with my daughter. She was great, but I pretty much just held on to the edge of the rink and scooted along.

So, this was a big deal! I got the hang of it pretty fast and we skated about a mile down the trail and then back. Now for all you skaters out there, I know that might not seem like much, but I was pretty out of breath and feeling very out of shape by the time we got back to where we started. AND it was minus degree weather!

I also had tremendous good fun making paper airplanes and throwing them out the window of our 18th story room....good fun!

But for now, I'm still waiting at the airport. Excuse me, that would be the MILE HIGH airport!

Note: I'm at the hotel in Denver, officially bumped and flying back tomorrow afternoon.

Blustery Day and Eyelashes

Well, it's a blustery day in the neighborhood with a distinct chill in the air! I am feeling very wimpy bundling up and complaining of the cold when it's probably all of 48 degrees outside and I know the hubs is up in Winnipeg where it is -30. I will be flying up there to spend a few days with him and wondering how I pack all the outer wear/boots/gloves/socks/thermals/handwarmers and then my regular clothes in my carry on suitcase....along with my laptop of course! I am most concerned about my eyeballs. Won't they just freeze solid the minute I step outside? Why do people live in such a cold place? Thank you to all my ancestors who traveled to the hell pit of the desert which became Las Vegas!

Today i used mascara for the first time in 5 months! Okay they are miniscule eyelashes but they are there! I looked really hard and I saw them this morning and knew I must pull out the mascara. Enhancement is a women's best friend!

Peach Fuzz!

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

It is starting to come back. It feels like peach fuzz. It looks grey and white. After six months of baldness, total baldness, the fine soft hairs are starting to grow back. It's not easy being bald, but you know it wasn't anything I cried about. I did/do wear a wig at work, but when I am home it's Miss Baldy.

What's it like? At first when you start losing the hair it itches quite a bit. After it is totally gone you realize that your head has a thermostat all of its own. Hot, then cold. Cold, then hot.

I never used to notice anyone's hair, color or style. Now I notice everyone's hair. Everyone looks like they have nice thick long hair. Beautiful hair. But when all is said and done...it's just hair.

My First White Christmas

Happy New Year! We are back from our Christmas escape to Santa Fe and we had a wonderful white Christmas...my first! It was truly beautiful! Cold, very cold, but beautiful. We had such a great time and lots to see. From old missions and pueblos, to our trip home taking the historical Route 66 from Santa Fe all the way through Arizona to the border of California. Yes, that is us "standing on the corner in Winslow, Arizona!"

I even found mistletoe growing on a tree on the way there and made Beni stop so I could go and climb the tree and pull it down. I spotted it as we were driving down the snowing mountain hiway and he's such a great guy to find a place to turn around and drive back 2 miles... Not that we needed the Mistletoe in our room! But hey, real, fresh Mistletoe, how often do you get that? And isn't Mistletoe such a nice name for a parasite you kiss under?

It's good to be home and hope everyone had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!
For us it was the first New Years we hadn't worked in decades...Pyrotechnicians in Vegas sorta are busy that time of year!

Over-Whelmed and Over Achievers!

In case you haven't read the last post...I had my last Chemo Treatment! Huzzah! I have had some problems with infection and some tests that the doctor has decided to run, Renal Ultrasound, bladder scoped, and a cat scan. Most of the tests will happen mid-December just prior to Christmas.

Christmas. The thought has me totally overwhelmed. Usually this time of year I am planning the trip to go cut my tree. Yes, I cut my own tree. I have taken my Grandson since he was one (he is eight) and it's just a fun time. But this year, I know I do not have the endurance to hike the mountain to cut the tree and carry it out. Bummer.

Then there is thinking of Christmas shopping. I usually have a list and ideas, I have a big family, organization is a must. Unfortunately, I don't have a list. I don't have ideas. I think about going to the mall and doing the zombie shopping and it is so overwhelming. Knowing it will be at least one more week before I even start getting any energy back from this last chemo, I'm just not getting that warm fuzzy Christmas spirit feeling and the idea of being at the mall with last minute shoppers (who I have made fun of in the past) is way too scary. Gift cards are starting to sound like an okay idea! Gift Cards! I can't believe I would even consider it, me, the one who decided on Thanksgiving one year to make my four kids crocheted afghans for Christmas. That's FOUR afghans, figuring out exactly how many rows a night I needed to do to complete them in time. My calculations were just a little off because I actually included Christmas day as one of the days and had to do some last minute recalculations, increasing the row counts! I can handle the Christmas pressure, but I do like original type of gifts to give. But this year it just all sounds like too much stress. I'm not seeing the fun in any of it.

Then there is all the stress with Christmas cards. Such pressure. I couldn't believe I started getting Christmas cards last week! Do they want an award or what? And I thought I was an over achiever.

I love being with family, but this year it just seems too much to deal with and so, I am running away. Really! I have to use my vacation days because the college decided to close the campus over winter break and since my summer vacation was spent recovering from surgery I decided to just take a trip. A road trip! My husband thinks it sounds great. We haven't decided where to yet, maybe Santa Fe, maybe Montana, but some where, somewhere away from all the glitz and the hustle and bustle of Las Vegas. Perhaps I should bake some cookies or put up some lights. No, I know what I need! The video of a Charlie Brown's Christmas!! Or a good road atlas!

Happy Turkey Day! Good/Bad news

First: HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY WONDERFUL BLOGGER FRIENDS!!
Enjoy my Thanksgiving Card for All

Now the Good News and the Bad News:

This Friday was supposed to be my LAST Chemo treatment. Hurray!

I get a call this morning at around 9:30AM from the chemo infusion center, right when I am deciding where to start first, mopping floors or making , and they asked me "where are you?" I inform them that I do my chemo on Fridays not Wednesdays. "But we are closed Thursday and Friday for the Holiday and the doctor scheduled your chemo for today." Well shit I think. I take the day off of work so I can do some pre-baking and preparing so it won't be so hectic tomorrow and now I have to go and spend 7 hours at the hospital. So, that's the bad news, because our five year anniversary is Saturday. With Chemo on Friday's I would be find on Saturday to celebrate. With Chemo on Wednesday, I will be hugging the camode on Saturday.

BUT! It is the LAST one and now it's done.

I did manage to make 2 pecan pies tonight. One I left out some of the ingredients and didn't find out until after it came out of the oven. Looks pretty but probably is hard as a rock! (pre-drugs make you loopy and brain dead) So then had to make another with all the ingredients.

Hope everyone has a good time with family and friends, lots of good food, full bellies and left overs!!

AND remember all your blessings, even in the worst of times there is much to be thankful for.