Feeling the Blues

Monday is always my bad day after chemo on Friday. I keep thinking I will get used to the symptoms and be able to roll with it better, but puking' and having every bone in your body feel like it's broke, just isn't any fun at all. And that's just the top two side effects! There's about four others that we won't even discuss!

The pain and nausea seems to get worse with each treatment. Knowing this last treatment was supposed to be the last one, really got me down, because it won't be. Knowing I would have to go through this again, one to three more times got me upset to the point of tears and I hate being a blubbering idiot. Hurting and thinking, "I don't want to hurt anymore!" "I don't want to do this shit anymore!" Then feeling really guilty because I know there are many out there that have gone through way more treatments than I will have to go through.

And I'm tired of being the scary bald grandmama. And more than anything, I'm tired of being tired! I hate missing my tennis clinic, but there is just no way I can go the week after the chemo, I know, because I tried it last time. Big Mistake!

So, today is better than yesterday, and I know tomorrow will be better than today and by Thursday I will be back to work. I just hate feeling like I'm wimping out. And yesterday, I was a big old wimp!

Slacker Uprising!

Michael Moore, as you may well know gave permission to download, share and is giving this documentary away for free to US and Canadian citizens. You wouldn't believe the Hoo-Haw at the college because I am showing this in our theatre! Hopefully, it will encourage some of the deadbeats to get up and vote!

I Qualified for Nationals!

I am totally beat down, had my 3rd chemo yesterday, but Tuesday through Thursday I participated in the Nevada Senior Olympics, three matches a day, 8AM, 10AM and Noon. Let me tell you in Vegas in September it is hot! So if playing three matches a day wasn't bad enough, playing them in mid day was just killer.

Additionally, in the Senior Olympics you play in age groups not by your rating which is also difficult if you are on the low end of the ratings...like me. Which meant I played players above my level. I am 3.0 and played mostly 3.5 players and the last day a 4.0 player (I lost that one, 2-6, 4-6, but had more games on her than anyone else, so was very proud of that!) I came away with SILVER in Singles, SILVER in Women's Doubles, and a GOLD with my sweetheart husband in Mixed Doubles.

I am totally exhausted, I don't know how much is the Chemo and how much is all that running around this week, but I am thrilled that I qualified for the National Senior Olympics in California next year. The National Olympics isn't played every year and this was the qualifying year, so I was very determined to make it.

We met lots of great people and became great friends with two guys from the Ukraine! We had them over for dinner last night and what did they bring? Russian vodka and caviar! We will be saving that for a special occasion I am sure.

On another note: This should have been my last chemo, but my counts apparently weren't where the doctor wanted so more have been added. That's a real bummer, but just got to deal with it. Also, here is a tip for anyone else undergoing chemo, losing their hair and wearing synthetic wigs. Be very careful getting things out of the oven.

Last night when I was getting stuff out of the oven, without being aware of it, the bangs on my very cute short wig got melted up to the base of the wig. I will have to figure out what to do about that later. For now, I will admire my three medals... baldly!

MAY PEACE PREVAIL ON EARTH

Join me in celebrating and reflecting on International Peace Day.

Peace to All!

I'm a Dweeb!

Today was my league tennis match. I'm the captain. I usually get to the courts early and make sure everything is all set for our matches. Which is what I did today. Except this morning I forgot one little thing.

First off, you got to know, the match started at 7AM and I am not a morning person in any sense of the word. I was playing singles to try and build up my stamina for the Nevada Senior Olympics that I am doing next week so was looking forward to playing.

For some unknown reason I woke up this morning at 3:30AM and couldn't get back to sleep so I just decided to get up after an hour of tossing and turning. I putzed around the house, watered my little patio gardens, swept up more leaves, made me some oatmeal, read the morning paper and then left for the courts that are a good 30 minutes from my house.

I get to the courts and get them all set up with the score things, get new balls down off the shelf, make sure the bathroom is opened, set out the snacks and bananas I brought. The other team and my fellow team members arrive, I assign courts and as always I am the last to go to my court to play. As soon as I stepped onto the courts something seemed wrong. I looked down at my feet and there I stood in sandals. SANDALS! FLIPPIN' SANDALS! No socks, no tennis shoes. My opponent asked me if I wanted to default. I said "no way." I took out my sport tape and TAPED my sandals to my feet. I would like to say I won the match. Unfortunately, I did not, though I did win the first set, I lost the match in a tie-breaker, taped on sandals and all. What a dweeb!

The Tree and Me

Leaves turn brown and fall away
Each morning I sweep the patio
Knowing tomorrow there will be more
Until one morning the tree will be bare.

It’s the very normal part of the seasons.
Days get shorter and cooler
Leaves turn brown and fall from their host
Until it is left barren to face the wind alone.

My hair has fallen
Let loose by the poison
Pumped into my body
Destroying all in it’s path.

I feel naked and embarrassed
At my new frightening image
It makes me look old and sick
It labels me a cancer victim.

I see the tree standing tall having no choice
But to let the leaves drop to the cold ground below
I understand the helplessness of watching part of you fall away
Having to accept the bareness with strength and grace.

In spring the days will once again be warm
The buds will promise the beauty of renewal.
Perhaps come spring the tree and I can rejoice
That we are whole once more.

For now I will sympathize with the tree.

Bald Pros and Cons

I got in the car today on my way home from work, and looked desperately around for a hat or cap. Spied a tennis cap in the back seat. Perfect. Wig off. Hat on. Thank you God! My poor head was itching like crazy and I just couldn't wait to get home to take off the wig.

This got me thinking about what sucks about being bald, which then got me thinking about what is good about being bald.

PROS:
*No need to buy Shampoo/Conditioner/hair spray
*No time wasted to fix hair
*You can rub your head for luck whenever you want
*You can scare people at will
*No falling hairs on dark tops
*Don't have to worry about messing up hair when putting on or taking off top
*Don't have to worry about touching up roots
*Can go from long hair to short hair and back in a day

CONS
*Wigs cause head to itch like crazy
*Rash,itch,scratch
*head feels cold and wet all the time, except when covered and it itches
*Scares self when catching site of self unexpectedly in the mirror(keep thinking some bald man is in the house!)
*Ears appear much larger without hair


Well, see there. There are more positives to being bald then there are cons. I should be so happy. I guess I need to work on that.

Get Ready for Peace Day!

The International Day of Peace ("Peace Day") provides an opportunity for individuals, organizations and nations to create practical acts of peace on a shared date. It was established by a United Nations resolution in 1981 to coincide with the opening of the General Assembly. The first Peace Day was celebrated in September 1982.

In 2002 the General Assembly officially declared September 21 as the permanent date for the International Day of Peace.

By creating the International Day of Peace, the UN devoted itself to worldwide peace and encouraged all of mankind to work in cooperation for this goal. Along with being designated by the UN as the International Day of Peace, September 21 is also a day of Global Ceasefire. By acknowledging a unified day without violence, a Global Ceasefire can provide hope for citizens who must endure war and conflict; it proves that worldwide peace is possible. A cessation of hostilities for 24 hours can also enable relief workers to reach civilians in need with food, water, and medical supplies.

Join the ‘TXT 4 Peace’ campaign!

Join the United Nations International Day of Peace Team in their global ‘TXT 4 PEACE‘ campaign to tell world leaders your thoughts on what it will take to achieve world peace!

Text ‘PEACE’ and your message to 69866 (160 characters max, only in the U.S.) or go to Peaceday2008.org to view messages or send one online from anywhere in the world.

The United Nations will send your messages to world leaders when they meet at the United Nations on 23 September!

Champion of the World!

Okay, maybe not champion of the world. But four days after my chemo treatment I played in a tennis tournament. Not just any tournament THE tennis tournament in Vegas. I made the finals and came in second both in Singles and in Doubles. No, I didn't get a nice silver platter just 5 X 7 plaques. And even though it just about did me under, (I am still exhausted and pulled a muscle in my leg), I proved to myself that I could make it through a match. In two weeks, I play in the Senior Olympics! First I have to talk the doctor into postponing my last chemo treatment by a week....I want to make sure I am fully ready to play and not feeling all week and crappy....she'll just have to understand. It's tennis afterall!

Wet Dream?

What an experience! My lips first felt the tickling of the fuzz on the soft plump skin as my lips gently opened and my teeth tugged at the skin. Then biting into the moist flesh, I closed my eyes as my savory glands reacted with a start as the oh so tart sweetness exploded in my mouth. The juice dribbled down my chin and I had to quickly lean over to keep the liquid from dripping on my lap. Then more bites, sucking and slurping to try and catch every drop in my mouth, every succulent explosive amazing drop of juice and flesh. Oh, something like this truly only comes around every four or five years, the absolutely perfectly ripe peach! It gives a new meaning to wet dream!

After the peach this morning, (it truly was an oh-my-God-delicious peach), I got out my acrylics and did some quick paintings--three. A quick pot of flowers, a stem of star-gazer lilies and a crane. Here's my work. Unfortunately, not as full-filling as the fruit this morning! Should of painted a picture of the peach!

Celebrating What's Right With Our World

(IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE READING, SKIP DOWN AND WATCH THE VIDEO IT'S AWESOME)
In searching for my zen garden, I have found moments of complete peace, usually in the mountains or walking on an uncrowded beach. Enjoying the moment and just being in the moment. I know it's the simple things in life that bring true joy. I know that, but those moments seem so few and far between sometimes. And then their are all the times I was just too busy to notice the beauty that was there all the time.

I love nature and if I could I would spend all my days in a small house with a beautiful garden where I could walk or ride a bike to every place I needed to go. Preferably in the mountains or near the ocean. I like to dream about that place. I know it's not in Vegas. Vegas is too fast paced, too chaotic. But Vegas is where my kids and grandkids live and there is the rub. But even without being in Vegas there is this incredible super fast world pace that keeps many of us too busy to slow down, to notice the world around us, or even our family and neighbors. We are just too busy.

The fast pace of our world makes it incredibly difficult to find our own individual Nirvan where one could live with less and to quiet the constant chaos of our minds. We hear a lot these days about how to "Simplify" our lives, but what does that mean really? To me it means:

** A way to live lightly on the earth, leaving a very small footprint on our earthly mother.
** A slower-paced way of living and living in the moment.
** A way to live with less but creating more choices in life, more than just working and sleeping, enjoying the living.
** Finding what's right and working in every situation.

It may seem difficult to give up many of what we consider luxuries, but maybe the path to simplify our lives starts with a first small step. Along with that thought I want to comment on living in the moment as that step. We pride ourselves on being multi-taskers. I am the epitome of a multi-tasker and have climbed the professional ladder by being just such a go-getter. But, is that truly the best way to be? I truly think not. I think I want to change and be a mono-tasker! Let me share with you why.

I watched a motivational film a while back by a National Geographic photographer, Dewitt Jones, who was sent to Scotland to take pictures of this very old lady who was a national treasurer as an accomplished weaver. She lived very simply and humbly and when he asked her what she thought about when she was weaving she answered, "I wonder if I'll run out of thread." Not exactly the answer he was expecting from this wonderful sage. She continued, "when I weave, I weave."

I highly, highly recommend you watch this inspirational video Celebrate What's Right With The World


This video talks about seeing what is right, appreciating the moments we are given, living in the moment. To truly be in the moment, to have our full attention in the moment requires a slowing down, it requires respect to the importance of all that we do, who we are with and where we are at any given moment. It's listening with an attentive ear instead of thinking of a response. It's seeing what is right. It's believing you will see what what is right and good, instead of always looking for what is wrong or not working.

My mind is usually going 1000 miles an hour, jumping from one idea to another, thinking of what next needs to be accomplished instead of doing my best with whatever I am doing at the moment.

But for today, I will try and slow my thoughts, slow my pace, seize the moment, celebrate what's right in my world, with gratitude and grace, simply and with out ego. Now how simple is that?

Year of the Pissy Piss Ant

I believe in Karma. I am a pretty positive person. No matter how bad it gets, I know all will turn out well because after all I am a nice person and surely have a store somewhere of some good Karma.

This has been a very rough year for me starting with New Year's Day. A day I woke up feeling that the year held so much promise and really excited for what the new year held for my husband and I. But those thoughts and plans were all squashed before even getting out of bed. More things came down the pike and I kept trying to bounce with the punches from personal life to my work life, but the punches kept coming, one knock down after the other.

Finally, in June I was hit the toughest blow of all. It appeared I may have ovarian cancer. In my ever positive mind, I didn't accept that diagnosis, I decided not to worry about it until it was proven so. No use worrying about something that might not even be there. It was when I had my surgery in July that it was proven so.

I am positive, but sometimes that doesn't change the facts. The chemo sucks, it makes me sick and my body ache and I look in the mirror and see a scary bald person. I hate the days that I am confined to bed and most of all I hate being alone, because as much as I am fighting this and it will not get the best of me, there are days that are hard, days that I am afraid. I don't like to admit that, but that's just the way it is. Yea, I know, it's the struggle that's life. Well, you can just screw that philosophy!

For several of my blogger friends this has been a tough year as well. No luck at all. So, I am calling this the year of the Pissy Piss Ant! A year biting us with bad luck. We need some better Karma! Where's all my good Karma? I want it now!

One of the seven lucky gods of Japan, the Laughing Buddha is the god of happiness, contentment, abundance, and wealth. Rubbing his big, round belly is believed to bring good luck.

I need one of these. I'm not sure if his happy face would bring comfort and peace, or if it would eventually seem to be mocking..."yea, rub my belly, go ahead, keep doing it, fool!" Well, piss on you Buddha! No, I didn't really say that, that would really be bad Karma. Ommmm.

Peace Sign Turns 50!

As the International Peace Day approaches I thought I would give a little tidbit of information about the most recognized symbol of peace--the peace sign which turned 50 this year!


Designed in 1958, by textile designer, Gerald Holtom, this widely recognized symbol signified Britain’s desire for nuclear disarmament. The peace symbol was brought to America by Bayard Rustin and quickly adopted by a growing civil rights movement dedicated to nonviolence. Over time, it had evolved from its association with nuclear disarmament to a symbol for counterculture. By the 1960’s the peace symbol was a symbol of free love and the hippies. The peace symbol has proven its endurance as a fixture in society. Today, as the arms race and war continue, the peace symbol is still visible at anti-war rallies and demonstrations...and on half of my t-shirts and on my school bus yellow Xterra!

Celebrate, promote whirlled peas, make love, not war.

Another one bites the dust

Had my second chemo today. Another 7 hours of being filled with toxic chemicals that pretty much fry every cell good and bad. I left the house for the first time without a wig, just a hot pink bandana. Once again I read a little (Memoirs of a Geisha) and then promptly fell asleep for the remainder of the time. Good Times! GOOD PRE-DRUGS!

I'm on so much health food stuff to rebuild immunity, increase energy, take care of nausea, build muscle tissue and stuff for bone pains. I am set and ready to kick some chemo/cancer ass! This girl is not going down! C'mon, bring it on! Just let me take a quick nap first, okay!

Here's a picture of me with hair with my very cute hippie husband, Beni. As I hope you can see from the picture, the girl here is very stubborn and persistent, doesn't ever give up and I'm not starting now!

Hair or Tennis?

With my second chemo treatment looming this week, and several doctor appointments to make sure I have enough blood cells to kill off, I had to leave the Mamma Mia! tour and fly back to Vegas. That is where I am now, home sitting on my bed with my laptop and trying to grasp what I am feeling.

My hair has been thinning each day since last Wednesday, but tonight in the shower it was coming out in handfuls. Wet gobs of hair. I stayed in the shower letting the hot water spray my body and knew this was it now, that I couldn't imagine it was going to be a pretty sight. I wondered how much had come out, what would I look like when I looked in the mirror. I had visions of big bald patches and whispy strands of hair sticking out here and there. Scary. I wasn't in a hurry to find out. I wondered how long I could stay in the shower before the hot water ran out.

I didn't get emotional, I didn't cry, I just kept grabbing wet gobs of hair and wadding it into a ball to place on the edge of the tub. Okay this is it, what I had been dreading.

I decided I couldn't stay in the shower forever, I just needed to face it, get it over with and deal with it. I turned the water off and slid the shower curtain open with a determination to be strong and face this new me. I looked in the mirror and it was frosted with steam. I was thankful for the blurred image. A slight reprieve. I took my towel and wiped a circle clean and saw whispy hairs here and there and a nice bald spot on top. I stared at myself for a long while and realized that at this point I had two choices. Hang on to every strand for as long as I could and deal with the irritation of the stray hairs that continued to shed, or whack it short and prepare for the eventual shave. I run my fingers through what's left, open the drawer and grab the sissors. I pulled up hair and cut the remaining hairs to an inch of my head. I stare at my reflection for a while to get a feel for this new image. Not so bad.

I keep thinking I should be feeling really depressed about this, but I'm not. I had a great day today and this evening I was back out on the tennis court with my team for the first time in 7 weeks. It felt great running around and smacking balls. Given the choice, I'd pick tennis over hair any day. I think I need to find a cute hat. A tennis hat! Yea, it's not so terribly bad after all, just another day in the life! And life is what it is all about....the living, not the whining!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

It has started. A few hairs here, a few hairs there, falling gently on my shoulders, getting caught in my fingers as I run my fingers through my hair, or catching on the brush. I wonder if it just continues a few at a time or escalates to clumps on the pillow? It got me wondering if I will wake up in the morning (or one morning soon) sans hair, and if so, what will I look like without my flowing tresses? Actually, I have already cut my flowing tresses to a short bob in preparation of 'the fall.' How bad can it be? Thanks to Photoshop I can have a preview and prepare myself for what may await me one morning soon. Hmmm. Thank heavens I bought a hat while in DisneyWorld last week! Who loves ya baby and where's my lollipop?

Hurricane Fay...I'm there!

We jumped on the Mamma Mia bus (yea, they go by bus when it's a short trip) this morning and headed to Tampa. Yep, Tampa, Florida where Hurricane Fay is supposed to hit tomorrow. Announcements were made to "be prepared." Be prepared? I live in the desert. I don't know nothing about birthing babies or hurricanes! They are giving weather updates on almost every channel every 10 minutes. I wasn't really worried a few days ago, because I knew they were giving all these updates. But now, as tomorrow is looming, I started paying more attention. The news is showing that they are requesting recommended evacuations tonight in 'Level A' and mandatory evacuations tomorrow morning. Okay, that's good, if I had a effing clue where the hell level A" was!!! I just know I am in Tampa!

So, I move online. The site gives updated info, but also gives a cool demonstration in photos on the damage done by the various levels of a hurricane. Check out level 1 and then level 5. I shouldn't have laughed, I know, but for some reason, I thought it was pretty funny.

The Local News shows lists of schools That will be closed tomorrow... by counties, again, means nothing to this wild west, desert-dwelling girl.

We just get a call, the Mamma Mia tour has canceled their show for tomorrow, now that I know. The theatre's right across the street! Maybe I should go find a flashlight and some water....a couple of candy bars, beer?

added tuesday am: all is well. fay entered land way south of tampa and all we may see is some "scattered squalls." Dang, I was so wanting to see a cow fly by or a surfer dude.

MAMMA MIA!

Okay! Alright already! Yes, I am fine. Just have been unable to connect to the internet....seems like my new life line! I have joined the hubs on tour with Mamma Mia! We have been having a wonderful time in Orlando and then go to Tampa on Monday, hopefully where we will be in the real world with internet connections! I am currently sitting backstage of Mama Mia! trying to catch up on email and blogs. How cool is that? All is well, all is well!

Don't Take That Picture!

Did you know it's against the law to get within 75 feet or yards, not sure, of an abandoned seal? They can put you in jail for that! I found out the hard way when I saw what I thought was a dead baby seal pup and went to take a picture of it. It wasn't too much longer when some guy started to yell at me and telling me about the jail and so I left, said "sorry, thought it was dead!"

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!!!! I couldn't resist though because I just read this book called "The Year in Fog" And it starts out with a lady taking a picture of a dead seal pup (and it didn't mention anything about jail ) and the next thing you know her little girl vanishes. I wanted the picture to show my mom who also read the book and tell her I was afraid my hubs was going to vanish if I took the picture, he didn't but it was a close call.
Okay, okay, now I know, I won't ever do it again! I feel so guilty!:(

08/08/80

A day to remember. Yes. it is the opening of the Beijing Olympics, but today was a milestone for me as my first Chemo treatment. I got to the hospital at 8:30am and was out at 3:30pm. 6 hours. The good thing is that with all the stuff they give you to keep you from having an allergic reaction or to prevent nausea, I fell asleep after about 20 minutes and didn't wake up again until it was over. Nice comfy chairs, a blanket to cover up with I snuggled in and let them pump me full of whatever they wanted to. My hubs and I played one game of cribbage, (I won)and then I sent him on his way. No reason for him to sit and watch me sleep. He was there when I woke back up and that was pretty sweet.

What I didn't like was all the other people who slowly filled the room as the morning progressed. I didn't like the idea of people looking at me and thinking "poor girl" and I didn't want to be looking at sickly cancer patients either. One was a chemo patient like me, but most of the others were getting blood transfusions...YUCKY. didn't like to be seeing all those bags of blood, it really grossed me out. Probably because I just read the script for a new musical--Dracula, so I had visions of blood in my head already.

But, it is now a little after 9Pm I have drank a large containter of Gatorade and ate some broth with noodles, ate a coconut ice cream bar, and am feeling a little tired but for the most part damn fine! I see how the night and the next couple of days goes. They are to be the toughest.